AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A SCIENTIST!
IMMORTAL DIALOGUE
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From Amphibian Man (1961)

Theme song:

Far below, deep below, here we go-go
Let’s drink a drink or two or three or four
Beneath the foam, make yourself at home
Where you can’t be found

Sailorman, I’ll tell you on the level
You have strayed too far for far too long
In my heart, there’s only the Sea-Devil
He’s the one for me

Sails out, anchor up, we’re out in force
Now’s the time to cha-cha-chart the course
Sea-Devil, we come with a keg of rum
You’d better not hold out

Sailorman, I’ll tell you on the level
You have strayed too far for far too long
In my heart, there’s only the Sea-Devil
He’s the one for me-ee-ee!!

 

From The Andromeda Strain (1971)

First politician:  The decision on 712 isn't final. It was just postponed for 48 hours.
Scientist:  By then the disease could spread into a world-wide epidemic!
Second politician:  It's because of rash statements like that that the President doesn't trust scientists!

First scientist:  Let’s not get sidetracked on Rudolf Karp and his meteorite theories! His technique was worthless!
Second scientist:  I still think we should contact him.
First scientist:  Fair enough. Where is he?
Third scientist:  Behind the Iron Curtain. He couldn’t get a research grant here.
[I was going to say "it’s funny, ‘cos it’s true", but in fact it’s so true it ain’t funny....]

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From Around The World Under The Sea (1966)

Technical explanation:  This is the warning device. It's so sensitive that before an earthquake happens, before it is either seen or heard, the device senses it. Obviously we call it a 'sensor'.

Bewildered observer:  Rabbits underwater!? How did you accomplish this?
Offhand genius:
 
Oh, it’s an artificial gill that allows them to breathe underwater.

Misanthropic scientist: Sharks, animals - they kill each other for a reason, because they’re hungry. People kill each other for nothing.
Humanitarian scientist: Wait a minute, now. There might be a few people like that, but it certainly doesn’t apply to the whole human race.
[Then we’ll disregard the rumours]

Venal scientist:
  It’s better to be a rich scientist than a poor scientist.
[A ‘rich scientist’? Isn’t that an oxymoron?]

Male scientist: 
You want to put a woman aboard a submarine for three or four months!?

Female scientist:  I’m a problem. You men gave us our freedom, but sometimes it’s difficult to cope with.
Male scientist: 
We better learn how to cope with it, ‘cause you’ll be there, working right along side of us. Whether it’s in outer space or deep under the ocean - you’ll be there!
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From Attack Of The Crab Monsters (1957)

Crab monster:  Good evening, mes amis! Be not shocked that the weapon speaks. I transmit, so I must be received. Hearken to all things metal, for I may be in them!

First scientist:  This is ridiculous! The molecular structure of this crab is entirely disrupted. There is no cohesion between the atoms!

First scientist:  It’s like a mass of liquid with a permanent shape. Any matter, then, that the crab eats will be assimilated in its body of solid energy, becoming part of the crab.
Second scientist
:  Like the bodies of the dead men?
First scientist
:  Yes! – and their brain tissue – which after all is nothing more than a storage house for electrical impulses.
Third scientist
:  That means that the crab can eat his victim’s brain, absorbing his mind intact and working?
First scientist
:  It’s as good a theory as any other to explain what’s happened.
Second scientist
:  But, doctor, that theory doesn’t explain why Jules’ and Carson’s minds have turned against us.
Third scientist
:  Preservation of the species. Once they were men – now they’re land crabs!

First scientist
:  Looks like we’re on the verge of a blessed event!
Second scientis
t:  What’s that? What’s that?
First scientist
:  Is this the one you killed?
Second scientist
:  No, it is still alive. We did not kill it.
First scientist
:  Notice the band of yellow fat around the base of the shell? It would indicate that she’s in a very delicate condition. Pretty close, too. I for one should not like to be around to hear the patter of so many tiny feet.

Technician
:  We have to kill it!
First scientist
:  Easier said than done, Hank.
Second scientist
:  Now, wait! This needs some thought!
First scientist
:  Doctor, you’re not going to suggest saving it for science? That would be suicide!
Second scientist
:  No, thank you, Martha – I have no ambition toward becoming a mad scientist! But I do think we ought to try and capture the thing. Would you not like to examine a live specimen?
First scientist
:  Certainly I would!
[Sooo....you’re not “mad” as long as you make a token protest? It’s okay to capture a monster as long as you’re not “saving it for science”? Help me out here....]


Technician
:  You said something about the crab being afraid of electricity, doctor. Let’s find out!
First scientist
:  Ashes! The electricity destroyed the leg in less than a second!
Second scientist
:  That proves that the crab is negatively charged!

Crab monster:  So! You have wounded me! And I must grow a new claw! Well and good! – for I can do it in a day. But will you grow new lives when I have taken yours from you?

Crab monster:  Ha, ha, ha, ha! I am afraid that won’t help you, Hank. By the time ships and planes could arrive, this island will have vanished beneath the waves of the sea. But you will not drown – you will be a part of me! And as with MacLean, there will be no evidence of how you vanished, or of my existence. We will rest in the caves and plan our assault upon the world of men!
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From Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: The Director's Cut (1979/1994)

Japanese scientist:  Technically, sir, tomatoes are fags.
American scientist [after a slight pause]:  He means fruits.

President:  I want you to get General Mitchell on the line – tell him to bomb New York City!
Government agent:  But, Mr President! - the tomatoes are nowhere near New York!
President:  You worry about your problems, I’ll worry about mine.

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From The Beast With A Million Eyes (1955)

Alien invader:  You - think!? In my world, only we are allowed that luxury!

Alien invader:  We - shall I be specific? - feed on brains. Unfortunately, they don't last very long.

Alien invader:  Hate and madness are the keys to power in my world!

Deputy sheriff:  That loony of yours has gone mad!
.
From The Bees (1978)

Male scientist:  You got through customs all right?
Female scientist:  Oh, yeah. They were hassling some poor fellow with a beard and jeans, and I just kind of slipped by looking very respectable.

Scientist:  I understand your interest in our work from an economic point of view, but it’ll be quite a while before we can find out whether these African bees can be made less dangerous while not losing any of their beneficial qualities.
Businessman:  Well, better a little more aggressive than lazy. That’s the American way, after all!
Businessmen:  Ha, ha, ha!

Female scientist:  John, you’re being careful with that radiation, aren’t you? I mean, we wouldn’t want you altering your chromosomes or – altering your genes.
Male scientist:  No, these are highly focused instruments. They’re not like radar beams or microwave ovens. Don’t worry. Why are you so interested in what’s in my genes?
[Scientist humour!]

Older male scientist:  I can work this without you.
Female scientist:  I’m only good because I work cheap, Uncle Ziggy. Y’know? - I work cheap!
[Angel Tompkins’ work ethic…?]

Newsreader:  It is incredible that in spite of having the most sophisticated weapons and advanced defense systems, the United States seems completely defenceless against this invasion. More news on the bees in just one minute.
Ad voiceover:  ‘Sheba’ – a new discovery in natural beauty creams! The same formula used by the Queen of Sheba, which devastated the great King Solomon and made him her slave! What was her secret? Royal Jelly!----
Female scientist:  This is like playing a cigarette ad after a documentary on lung cancer!

Corrupt politician:  For Christ’s sake, can you please tell me what the hell is happening? You told me those beehives of yours were foolproof. Now these killer bees are all over the place! Look, this is shaping up in Congress like a goddamn volcano – and my ass is hanging right over the cone!
Corrupt businessman:  Take it easy, Sam. It wasn’t the hives, it was that Dr Morris – the one you picked to bring the frozen bee sperm from Brazil! He stole some, sold it to the competition, and let their bees escape!
Corrupt politician:  Dr Morris did that? Ooh, that bastard! I’ll have him transferred to a family planning clinic in Bangladesh!

Male scientist:  What Dr Hummel proposes is the synthetic manufacture of this chemical, which is known as a ‘pherone’. [sic.] It can be sprayed into the atmosphere and, we believe, cause the drones to become confused, and attempt to mate with each other rather than with the queen bee.
Politician #1:  Are you saying that this chemical of yours will turn the male bees into homosexuals!?
Politicians:  Ha, ha, ha!
Male scientist:  Well, that’s as good a way to put it as any. And the result of that can only be – pretty soon, no more African bees.
Politician #2:  Reminds me of a neighbourhood I know in L.A.!
Politicians:  Ha, ha, ha!

Older male scientist:  Sondra, now you vill zee zomething frightening! Ze battle to ze deaths between ze new queens! Ze zurvival of ze fittest! – or rahzer, of ze most brutal! A reflection of ze human political process, in a vay!

Older male scientist:  Hey, zat kiss vas for me! After all, she is my niece!
Younger male scientist:  That’s adding incest to injury!

Corrupt politician [on the phone]: Hello, this is one of your ‘clients’. I want to take out a ‘contract’ with some of your people. I want the very best available!
[And later….]
Corrupt politician [on the phone]: Hello, this is your client! Why haven’t I heard from you?……Look, I have a contract!----

Male scientist:  Hummel is dead, and there doesn’t seem to be anything we can do against them.
UN observer:  Well, why the hell aren’t you here?
Male scientist:  Because we’re trying to decipher the language patterns of the bees!
UN observer:  You’re doing what? Are you mad? You want us to conduct peace negotiations with bugs!?

Male scientist:  Once again, Nature is reacting – striking back against man’s unrestrained tampering. And the chosen instrument of this defence is this new species of killer bee, created by some electronically stimulated genetic mutation! The late Dr Hummel’s research has given us ample evidence that this species has evolved beyond its ordinary habitual and instinctual concerns and patterns, and is capable of reasoning. Furthermore, this species has established meaningful and serious communication with my colleague, Mrs Miller, and myself!
British UN delegate:  Good Lord! This chap’s gone completely raving bonkers!
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From The Beginning Of The End (1957)

Reporter:  I spoke to him, but I guess he didn't hear me.
Scientist:  Oh. He's a deaf-mute. Working with radiation can be - dangerous....

Scientist Nothing to worry about! Just a slight catastrophe!
ReporterDo you have these catastrophes often?
ScientistHa, ha! All the time!

ScientistIt’s hard to keep these little things from getting in. These are snails. Last summer it was caterpillars. After that, it was grasshoppers – by the drove! – and just last week, it was beetles!

ReporterHow do they get so big?
ScientistWell, radiation causes photosynthesis – that is, the growing process – to continue night and day. The radioisotopes act as a---sort of an artificial sun; a sun that never sets!

ReporterTell me: what’s he doing?
ScientistWell, that’s plant food; essential minerals. Keeps the plants from burning themselves out. They have to be fed constantly. Actually, the fruit would be much larger if we didn’t limit the stimulation!

ScientistWhat do you want me to do?
ReporterJust ride out there with me and take a look.
ScientistI don’t understand what good that’ll do. The authorities investigated it thoroughly.
ReporterThe sheriff thinks in terms of crime and publicity. You’re a scientist. You think in terms of cause and effect. Maybe you’ll see something he missed!

ScientistI’ve got your explanation for you, Tom! Now, listen: you’ve known me ever since I came to Paxton. You know I’m not given to hysteria, and you’ve got to listen to me with an open mind!
ColonelTake it easy, Ed!
Scientist Locusts!
ColonelWhat are you talking about?
ScientistI’m talking about giant locusts! Giant locusts are responsible for all this!

ScientistYou have to believe us! Listen: you’ve seen the giant plants out at the lab---
ColonelAre you trying to tell me you bred these things!?
ScientistIn a sense – I did, yes…. Some locusts must have gotten into the lab – and they ate some of the plants, or some of the radioactive plant food. So their cell division accelerated immediately – that is, they started to grow abnormally fast!

ScientistEach one of them has the strength of ten men! There are probably two or three hundred of them!
ColonelSo last night, not satisfied with eating grain, they came to Ludlow?
ScientistYes!
ColonelHa, ha! Even if I went for your story about their size, it’d be hard to believe they’d attack people!

ScientistWe saw Frank Johnson killed by a giant locust!
ColonelSure, and there are reliable people who’ve also seen flying saucers and weird little men from Mars!

ColonelWhere would I get off calling for the regular army to handle some oversized grasshoppers? Why, they’d Section Eight me right out of the service!

ScientistWait a minute. We can’t drive them – not drive – but we could attract them – attract! If we could reproduce their call, General, it might work! It just might work!
GeneralWhat do you need?
ScientistWell, let me see. I need--- Uhhh, I need--- I need an audio-oscillator. I need an audio--- Two! Two audio-amplifiers! The most powerful you can get! I need an ostilloscope! I need some high frequency radio equipment! And a boat! A fast boat!

ScientistI just attached the wires from the ploygraph to the two copper strips at the bottom of the cage. Now, the locust, like every other living thing, has galvanic reflexes, or electrical charges, in direct ratio to its activity, or emotional stimulation!
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From The Blood Beast Terror (1967)

Mad scientist:  Wasn’t it I who created you? And how have you rewarded me? By causing death and destruction! And now I have been insane enough to create another!
Female monster:  You mean – it’s ready?
Mad scientist:  Yes! In a few days it would have matured – and you would have had the companion you seek: a male of your own species! But now I realise what I have created, I’m going to destroy you both!
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From The Brain From Planet Arous (1958)

Scientist’s fiancée:  You know it’s three o’clock and you mad scientists haven’t even stopped for lunch?
Scientist:  No wonder I’ve been getting insulting messages from my stomach!

Scientist:  There’s something going on over at Mystery Mountain!
Scientist’s fiancée:
  On Mystery Mountain!

First scientist:  Dan, we’re going over to Mystery Mountain!
Second scientist:  Not before we eat!

Scientist:  There’s a hot blast of gamma coming from Mystery Mountain! That’s cause enough for any scientist to go into the desert. Lucky it’s intermittent. If it was constant, we’d be fried!

First scientist: Turn the Geiger on again, will you?
Second scientist: It is on. Suddenly it’s as cool as a well-digger’s foot.

Scientist:  Who are you? What do you want?
Evil alien brain:  I am Gor! I need your body as a dwelling-place while I am here on your planet Earth.
Scientist:  Why me?
Evil alien brain: Because you are a recognised nuclear scientist. Because you have entrée to places on Earth I want to go. I chose your body very carefully, even before I knew about Sally – a very exciting female!
Scientist:  Leave Sally out of this!
Evil alien brain:  Why? She appeals to me! There are some aspects of the life of an Earth savage that are exciting and rewarding! Things that are missed by the brains on my planet, Arous.
Scientist:  If you so much as touch Sally, I’ll---!
Evil alien brain:  It is you who are touching her! Even I must have some interest to spur me on! She’ll do very nicely!

Evil alien brain:  None of your puny weapons will affect me!

Evil alien brain:  Your feeling of helplessness is your best friend, savage! When I am occupying your body, or in my present transitory form, I am without substance and indestructible! You are fortunate that Gor, one of the greatest intellects in a world where intelligence is all, has chosen to use your body! I, Gor, in your stupid body, will have the power of life and death over this civilisation. Through me, you shall have power such as no man has seen before in the history of your planet! The power of pure intellect!

Good alien brain:  You can help me save the Earth from a terrible experience. Yes, the whole Earth.

Evil alien brain:  We will take the young female for a ride in your car. I will enjoy being you tonight! She gives me a very strange, very new elation!

Possessed scientist:  I’m going to the atomic bomb tests at Indian Springs. I’m going to watch the tests with Colonel Frogley and Professor Tate, and then I’m going to introduce my discovery. It’ll make the atomic bomb look like a firecracker!
Fiancée:  You frighten me when you talk like that!

Fiancée:  We’re going to be rich?
Possessed scientist:  Mmm, richer than that! Pictures in the paper, royalty calling on you---
Fiancée:  You scare me when you talk like that!

Scientist:  The burns are unlike those of uranium or Cobalt-60 or any other daughter product we know of at present.
General:
 
Then there’s only one answer: we have been invaded! Not the United States, but the world!

No-longer-possessed scientist:  How did you happen to know about the fissure of Rolando?
Fiancée
:  Vol.
No-longer-possessed scientist:
  Vol?
Fiancée
:  Oh, that’s right, you don’t know about him. He’s another brain from planet Arous. He was watching over you in George’s body. George! [The dog comes in] Vol, tell Steve what you told me about Gor. [Silence] Vol! George, speak to me!
No-longer-possessed scientist:
  You and your imagination!

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