AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A SCIENTIST!
IMMORTAL DIALOGUE
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From Earth Vs The Flying Saucers (1956)

Scientist
:
General, we saw a strange thing this afternoon. We saw what appeared to be a flying saucer.
Military man: A flying saucer!?
Scientist’s wife: It nearly ran us off the road.
Military man: You’re sure of that?
Scientist: Both Carol and I are subject to the same atmospheric disturbances that may have affected other observers, but there is a quantitative difference, when you’re a scientist.

Scientist
:
What do you want with me?
Alien: Arrange for your world leaders to confer with us in the city of Washington D.C.
Scientist: They may not listen! I’m only a scientist!

Scientist
:
Then it’s been decided that we’ll fight?
Military man: When an armed and threatening power lands uninvited in our capital, we don’t meet it with tea and cookies!

Unnecessary advice #
1:
Fire at saucer until it crashes!
Unnecessary advice #2: Keep firing at saucer!

.
From Escape From Galaxy 3 (1981)

Immortal lyrics:
The touch of love
Took away the bitter coldness
From my face
And it made me melt in your embrace
Made me tremble
Made me feel so very strange
And made me want to see you again
The touch of love
And maybe I will walk into a brand new day
And maybe I will find new things to say
There’s a fire deep inside
When you touch me the way you doooooooo
I love yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooou
  

Space king:
  We have no choice. I herewith declare – a state of emergency! 

Space princess:
  Don’t worry, Father! I’m sure we’ll overcome the dark forces of evil! 

Space king:
  Belle Star, Oraclon is too powerful and too greedy. It will be – an unequal fight – and I foresee the end of our beloved Exalon!
Space princess:  No, Father! I’m sure our planet will come through in the end! 

Random technobabble #1:  Prepare the uranium vapour-rockets! 

Space king:
  You’re the only one I can trust with this – such a dangerous mission! Take my daughter with you as my ambassador.
Space captain:  But, sire, what about the defence of our space station?
Space king:  I’ll take command of it. We’ll throw up a sheet of mega-rays to cover you during lift-off! 

Random technobabble #2:
  Use the hyper-solar missile systems! 

Random technobabble #3:
  The hydrogen booster units are already at 6000 mega-degrees! 

Evil space overlord:
Someone has managed to elude me!? Belle Star! You galactic idiots! 

Space captain:
  Check the pressure of the defensive shields. I’ll start up the magnetic generators. We’ll make a run for it. If we drop away on a zero tangent, we’ll come under the influence of Kryptos. Its negative gravitation will thrust us into deep space! 

Evil space overlord:
  Jemar, we must find them! Use a mega-metric tele-probe and scan the whole eastern galaxy! – including the equidistant cartic-tangents! 

Space captain:
  What is that stuff?
Space princess:
  It’s water! I once saw some in my father’s collection of intergalactic minerals!
Space captain:
  What do you use it for?
Space princess:
  It’s two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen!
Space captain:
  Huh! 

Tribal elder:
  You have no reason whatsoever to be afraid! Now hide among the rocks! 

Space princess:  Evidently, they don’t know what psycho-energetic force is! 

Space princess:
  We don’t want to involve you in our battle with the King of the Night! If we go now, he’ll follow us and leave you alone.
Tribal elder:
  If what you say is true, then we cannot allow you to leave. We will need you and your supernatural powers to defend us.
Space princess:
  But you were right to try to get rid of us! Once we’ve left, you won’t be in any danger, so let us go!
Tribal elder:
  No! Never!

Space princess:
  Only when I’m in the presence of the king will I be able to carry out my revenge!
Space captain:
  Revenge? What do you mean?
Space princess:
  After thousands of years, our sexual powers have come back to life, and we haven’t suffered any harm. On the contrary: we’ve acquired a powerful new dimension!
Space captain:
  I don’t understand! 

Space princess:
  Oh, my love! I may live for thousands of years, yet I swear to you my happiest moments were spent with you!Space captain:  Now that we’ve just begun to understand the real meaning of life, we must part forever. I’ll never forget you!
.

From The Eye Creatures (1965)

Waitress: The boys were just kidding about seeing a space ship, Lieutenant.
Air force officer: Everyone knows there are no such things! How many times do we have to deny it before people will believe us?

Cop: Did you ever hear of such a cock-and-bull story? Spacemen, space ships--
Doctor: In my day we were content with pink elephants, but kids these days--
Cop: And tough! The gal says to me, "You don’t call him human, do you?" What do you think about that!
Doctor: Well, what can you expect with all these bad books being written nowadays?


Astute teenager:
You know something? Those things, whatever they are-- They’re smarter than all of us put together.
.
From Food Of The Gods II (1988)

Mean scientist:
Deadline? You’ve been working for years to produce – produce
– that only Lilliputians would appreciate! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. The flowers are lovely.

Genius at work:
Lock up….c’mon, catalyse….carboxyls….same molecular structure, beautiful!….now, get in here, tri-nitro, c’mon!….give me a DNA match!….smaller chains….that’s it! That’s it! I think I’ve got it!

.
From Frankenstein Vs Dracula (1971)

Cop:  It seems that living by the beach brings out the best and the worst in us! There’s an amusement park just east of the pier. It’s a hang-out for pushers and white-slavery operators. Oh, yeah, we’ve still got ’em around. And you’d be surprised how many young girls come out here just hoping to get involved in all this stuff!

Cop:  Murder, rape, beatings.... And maybe you asked yourself the question – why do all these terrible things have to happen? Well, it took me twenty-one years of my twenty-two on this business to get the answer, and at last I have it. These people want these things to happen. Does that sound too simple? Well, not really, ’cos it’s the most complicated thing in the world. Nobody, but nobody knows anything about the subconscious, Miss Fontain – not even ourselves. Yeah...it’s a dark, dark world, Miss Fontain!

First hippie:  Man, that place’d give anyone the creeps!
Second hippie:
  Poor baby, you’re afraid of everything!
First hippie:  Yeah, C’mon – let’s get ready for the big protest tonight!
Second hippie:
  What are we protesting tonight?
First hippie:
  I don’t know – but I bet it’s fun!

Mad scientist:  You heard them up there, Groton! – they want to see an illusion. They do not realise that reality itself is the grandest illusion of all! – that human blood is the essence from which future illusions may be created! But the secret is not to have the blood at rest – no! The circulatory system must experience a traumatic shock; one that is inconceivable to the human mind. The idea of power is not a new one, but I am sure I am the first such experimenter to incorporate the horror of an actual decapitation with the later rejuvenation of a human body.

Mad scientist:   Had she not been drugged into a surface somnolence, she could walk away from us now as if nothing had happened on that fateful night! But of course, we cannot allow that to happen! No, not until enough of the serum has been made and tested. Oh, she’s a lucky young woman, Groton! We have desperate need of her blood! She has survived decapitation and is manufacturing the right type of vital fluid for us.

Mad scientist:  We are not butchers, Groton. We don’t have this young lady here to merely drain her body and cast her aside! No! We are scientists! – and we must have others to experiment with.

Vampire:  Pleasant surroundings? That sounds like peculiar conversation for the man who is the last living member of the family of Frankenstein – is it not, Dr Durea? Or should I say – Frankenstein!
Mad scientist:
 
I am too old, and too sick, to be interested or surprised by anything. But when a man comes into my house, and casts no reflection on my mirror, and upon his hand wears the unholy crest of Dracula, there is no scientific answer to anything! Now, what is on your mind – Count Dracula!?

Vampire:  Dr Frankenstein, I know you were raised by the Durea family, and before your crippling accident were discredited by members of the Medical Institute, because of your real family’s background. That cut short a brilliant career – but your mind and surgeon’s sill were meant to fulfil the Frankenstein dream, and to infuse life into that artificially-created man, the likes of which civilisation will never forget! You cannot escape your destiny, as I cannot escape mine.
Mad scientist:
  What you say is very true – very true. If only I had a way to get the power I should have! I’d show those fools out there who think of me only as a carnival freak, and---
Vampire:
  And get your revenge on Drs Beaumont, Steadman and Markey, who ruined your career and started the accidental fire which crippled you as you are now.
Mad scientist:
  Yes, yes. Yes, it’s all clear now. They were the ones. But what does this mean to you?
Vampire:
  I have in my possession the remains of the original Frankenstein monster, put to rest in Oakmoor Cemetery by one of the group of scientists whose experiments with the monster were cut short by an epidemic which plagued this area many, many years ago. The only remaining scientist had buried the monster, hoping to resume his experiments at a later date. He also was the man who discredited you, for fear that you had knowledge of his work with monster – Dr Beaumont!

Vampire:
  You must prepare your laboratory – for him.
Mad scientist:
  The monster!?
Vampire:
  Yes! And all those who meddle in the destinies of Frankenstein and Dracula will see an infernal bloodbath, the likes of which has not swept the earth before!

Middle-aged hippie:  They brought you here. That’s Samantha. She goes with that goofy-looking kid over there. He’s Strange. That’s his name. Also classification.
Entertainer:
  You sound rather cynical.
Middle-aged hippie:  Not at all. It’s just an observation. That’s my bag. I make observations for later replay. Like a football game on TV.

Middle-aged hippie:
  That’s the first rule about observation-collecting: never take a situation at face value. What you see is not what really is.
First young hippie:
  Better get out his pipe and slippers, Sam – he’s showing his age again!
Middle-aged hippie:
  You two better be careful – the doctor may be casting today!
First young hippie:
  Don’t you let him touch me, Mike!
Second young hippie:
  What about me?
First young hippie:
  You know how to go invisible.
Second young hippie:
  Only from the waist down.

Cop:  If you’ve got a fireplace, burn some wood in it! It’ll be a lot better than running loose on the streets!

Mad scientist:  Yes, you see it coming into being now, Groton! – the final stages of the adreno-molecular structure! The traumatic shock, which has vibrated through these bodies, has now been tempered; tempered to an even rhythm. The blood has reversed through the pulmonary artery. We are all going through changes, of having the same blood. It is flowing throughout all our bodies. We shall soon become more and more as one. Soon, perhaps, we shall even look as one!

Mad scientist:  You should not be experiencing any forms of metamorphosis!

Middle-aged hippie:  Everything that’s happened in the last week has centred around the amusement park – and the only amusement that extends out onto the beach is Dr Durea’s Creature Emporium.
Entertainer:
  You mean where Joanie got her parchment?
Middle-aged hippie:  Yeah – and who knows what else?

Mad scientist:  She is well – but because of what she witnessed, the destruction of three young men who wished her harm, she produced a remarkable cellular conversion! Her blood has the exact components necessary to complete my serum. I never thought such an alteration was possible at such a short period of time, but it happened! It happened, and now I know it can happen again! You two are lovers, quite obviously. And when you witness the sudden death of your lover, the traumatic shock will draw the reservoirs of blood into a single electric stream. You will feel yourself lifted to a new plateau! – and this physical resurrection will be the beginning of a new life for yourself – and for us – mainly my friends here.

Vampire:  Your fear will fully energise the molecular structure of your blood!

Vampire:  You are responsible for the death of Dr Durea, last of the Frankensteins! I am Dracula! The serum he perfected would have rendered me invincible. But do not worry! – it will not be long before I get all I need of that serum! When I do, I will return with a league of living vampires – an indestructible army of the undead! Nobody will stop me then! Nobody will stop me then!

Vampire:  My coffin awaits your becoming immortal in its embrace!

Vampire:  Stop! Stop, or I will destroy you piece by piece, as Dr Frankenstein created you!
.

From Friday The 13th (1980)

Girl [talking to dog]:  Hi, girl! Excuse me - hi, boy! You speak English? How far is it to Camp Crystal Lake? [Dog whines] That far, huh? Okey-dokey! See you later!
      ["Not if I see you first...."]

Girl
: Excuse me - how far is it to Camp Crystal Lake?
[Everyone looks at her in horror]
Waitress
[after an ominous silence]: What is it, Enis, about twenty miles?
Truck driver: About that.
Local woman: Camp Blood? They’re opening that place again?
      [I think that’s what’s called "subtle foreshadowing"....]

Kid #1: Hey, nice bike!
Cop: What you been smokin’, boy?
Kid #1: Smoking? Don’t smoke. Causes cancer.
Cop: You know what I mean! What, did you just get off a spaceship or somethin’? Columbian Gold, man! Grass. Hash. The weed. Dig it?
Kid #2: Hey, what’s he talking about?
Cop: Hey, don’t get smart!
Kid #2: Me? I’m as dumb as they come!


Local loony
:
I’m a messenger of God! You’re doomed if you stay here! This place is cursed! Cursed! It’s got a death curse!
Kid #1: Who are you? What do you want?
Local loony: God sent me.
Kid #2: Get outta here, man!
Local loony: I got to warn ya! You’re doomed if you stay here! Go! Go!
      [Hey! More subtle foreshadowing!]

.
From The Giant Claw (1957)

Narrator:  An electronics engineer. A radar officer. A mathematician and systems analyst. A radar operator. A couple of plotters. People doing a job; well; efficiently. Serious. Having fun. Doing a job. Situation: normal. For the moment....

Pilot #1:
  This is Easy Baker Squadron Leader. Target below and to the side. See it?
Pilot #2:
 Ye-ow! Holy Toledo! I’ve seen some mighty big chicken-hawks back on the farm, but man, this baby takes the cake! Honest to Pete, I’ll never call my mother-in-law an old crow again!

Pilot:
 
Easy Baker Squadron Leader. Charlie hit the silk when the bird got his plane, and now Charlie’s gone - ‘chute and all!

Scientist: Here is part of the wreckage. Examination by a staff of scientists has told us the whole, incredible story!
      [A "staff" of scientists? I thought the collective term was an "obsession"!]

Scientist:
That bird is extra-terrestrial! It comes from outer space - from some God-forsaken anti-matter galaxy millions and millions of light years from the Earth. No other explanation is possible.

General:
 Three men reported they saw something - and two of them are dead.
Hero:
 That makes me chief cook and bottle-washer in a one-man bird watchers’ society!

Narrator:
 No corner of the Earth was spared the terror of looking up into God’s blue sky and seeing, not peace and security, but the feathered nightmare on wings!

Heroine:
  Will it work, Mitch?
Hero:  I don’t know. I honestly haven’t the faintest, foggiest idea. It’s one of those cockeyed concepts that you pull down out of Cloud Eight somewhere in sheer desperation!

Heroine
[explaining why she’s so good with a gun]: I’m from Montana!

Hero:
  The explosion was no accident! I did it on purpose! I used the mesic atom projector!
Scientist:  What!
Hero:  Sure! We had the basic wiring all fouled up. It was a simple matter of adjusting the polarity on the main condenser terminals!

Then, of course, there’s this - which someone got
paid for writing, remember:

Narrator: 
There was no mistaking the urgency in MacAfee’s voice. Something - he didn’t know what - but something as big as a battleship had just flown over and passed him.

Hero:
Look, Major, I’m sorry about the pilot, but that was no false alarm---
Heroine:  Oh, come off it, Mitch! You’ve done enough harm with your flying battleship!

Heroine:
 What happened? It felt like something collided with us up there!
Hero: 
Yeah - a flying battleship that wasn’t there!

Cop:
 We’ve got orders to seal off the area - real hush-hush! What happened? D’you tangle with a flying saucer or something?
Heroine:  Oh, nothing so domestic as a flying saucer, officer! Just a flying battleship!

Cop
[preparing to leave]: Well, have a good time with your flying battleship!

Hero:
Uh-oh. Feel another snakebite coming on. More medicine!
Heroine:  Well, flying battleship, pink elephant, same difference. You really should try buttermilk instead.
Hero: 
I said it looked like a battleship, not that it was a battleship---

Heroine:
 
Something that seemingly destroyed four planes - and barely missed you the first time. Something like - your flying battleship?

Narrator:
Once again a frantic pilot radios in a report on a UFO. A bird. A bird as big as a battleship!

Heroine:
 Did the pilots report anything?
General:  Not a word from the pilot of the private plane but the CAB pilot reported a UFO.
Heroine:  Did he say what it was?
General: 
Yes. A bird. A bird as big as a battleship!

Doomed pilot:
 It doesn’t make sense! Like - like we’re hitting a battleship with a slingshot!
      [Why not invite your friends around and play - The Giant Claw Drinking Game!]
.
From Gorath (1962)

First woman
:
Tatsuo hasn’t changed!
Second woman: You know, I loved him – once….
First woman: Well, he’s still in love with you. It’s really obvious. A space pilot!
Second woman: A pilot’s just a glorified chauffeur. I’ve got myself a scientist!
      [How I love Japanese science fiction films…!]

Politician #1: Well, Sonoda’s a hero!
Politician #2: Yes, you’re right, he is a hero – and our administration’s in trouble!
Politician #3: Yes, it most certainly is! All outer space to move around in and he has to hit a sun that’s 6,000 times bigger than the Earth!
Minister Of Science: It’s smaller than the Earth! Smaller, but 6,000 times as heavy!
Politician #3 [blankly]: Oh…?
Politician #2 [even more blankly]: Well, perhaps the report will explain that to us….
.
From The Green Slime (1968)

Immortal lyrics:

Open the door, you'll find the secret
To find the answer is to keep it
You'll believe it when you find
Something screaming 'cross your mind
GREE-EE-EENN SLII-II-II-IIME!!

What can it be, what is the reason?
Is this the end to all that breathes?
Is this just something in your head?
Will you believe it when you're dead?
GREE-EE-EENN SLII-II-II-IIME!!
GREE-EE-EENN SLII-II-II-IIME!!
GREE-EE-EENN SLII-II-II-II-II-IIME!!!!

.
From Half Human (1958)

First scientist:
 
The gruesome deaths of my two assistants was the first in a series of horrible events that would lead to the discovery of the answer to one of the great mysteries of anthropology!
Second scientist:
  Let’s get back to the searching party! I want to know – did they ever find what left those footprints in the snow?
First scientist [chuckling]:
  You haven’t changed a bit, Alan! You’re just the same as the day I left the States! – combination detective and scientist! But to answer your question – no, they didn’t. 

First scientist:
 
Some time afterwards, a scientist who was researching the hair follicle came to the conclusion that it could signify only one thing: the unknown species’ body was completely covered with hair.
Second scientist:
  You mean they reached their conclusion because the subcutaneous tissue found resembled the tissue found on the hair follicle of a bear or an ape?
Third scientist:
  Wait a minute! John, I thought you said earlier that you couldn’t classify the hair, and that you’d ruled out the possibility of it being a member of the monkey family or a bear?
First scientist:
  That’s true, Alan! The hair was something none of us had seen before; but the subcutaneous tissue, which was also foreign to us too, nevertheless had enough similarities to the cellular hair structure of the monkey family for us to accept the findings of the laboratory technicians as accurate.
Second scientist:
  How finally did you find the exact hair classification?
First scientist:
  Well, actually, we didn’t. Oh, we all had our theories, but – the theories didn’t stand scrutiny. After weeks and weeks we finally came to the conclusion that we were up against an impenetrable stone wall! 

Scientist:
  Professor Tanaka is one of the most brilliant men in the entire field of anthropology. I’ve read everything he’s ever published. Sometimes his methods and deductions startle me, but his approach to theory is close to pure genius! 

First scientist:
  He was convinced in his mind that the hair follicle was closer to that of man than that of any other animal known to exist. Based upon that he concluded that this unknown species might very well be a combination of man and animal.
Second scientist:
  Oh, no! Don’t tell me he suggested the Neanderthal man! 

First scientist:
  A strange mountain people! The boy was the first civilised human they’d ever seen or encountered.
Second scientist:
  But you said earlier that this region Professor Tanaka was exploring was uninhabited.
First scientist:
  Well, we believed it was uninhabited because it was uncharted.
Third scientist:
  Were these people you refer to – savages?
First scientist:
  Not to the point of eating their own dead. 

First scientist:
  John - ! I know, I know: you said you didn’t want to discuss the Snowman’s behaviour or his emotional capacities until later, but--- Frankly, with all you’ve told us, I find myself getting more and more puzzled.
Second scientist:
  I think I know what Alan’s driving at – and I’m a little curious too. When we were introduced to the Snowman he was a vicious killer. He killed two men. But when he saw the girl asleep in the tent, he displayed a gentle tenderness. Then the mountain girl was the only person allowed to enter his cave. I began to speculate that he found women attractive! – that his thought patterns set them apart. [chuckles] But when he saved the boy’s life I was completely baffled!
First scientist:
 
Why, that’s it, Professor! I think his instincts are quite apparent.  But I really had the feeling that this monster was capable of thought patterns! 

Doctor:
  It’s simply fantastic! If I hadn’t performed the surgery myself, I wouldn’t have believed it.
Scientist:
  What did you find, Carl?
Doctor:
  One half of the skull vault is formed exactly like that of a normal human being; the other half is animal-like. The respiratory system is almost identical to ours – as are the lungs! 

First scientist:
  How different did you find the nervous system?
Doctor:
  It’s as complex as ours, but – much smaller.
Second scientist:
  Would you say that over a period of 200,000 years, this species’ system, as it grew, might slowly evolve into man?
Doctor:
  It might not take anything like 200,000 years. If we could control the animal part of his brain, and effectively treat his glands--- Well, I should say that, in that event, in perhaps ten or fifteen generations, you could develop a species that might be able to speak a single sentence. 

First scientist:
  Carl, would you say at maturity that he would develop behaviour patterns? – or do you think it’s safer to say, just an occasional instinct?
Doctor:
  From what I’ve seen, I’d say both. 

First scientist:
  Would he be able to differentiate between male and female?
Doctor:
  Yes, I would think so.
Second scientist:
  Would he have a marked preference?
Doctor:
  Oh, why not?  After all, his anatomy, at maturity, will be almost human.
.
From The Headless Ghost (1959)

Aristocratic ghost:  He was beheaded for trying to lead an insurrection against Henry VII.
American student:  You mean – they chopped his head off!?

First American student:  You know what the psychologists say: under the stress of emotional agitation, you see things! Hear things! It’s real to you, but they only exist in your mind.
Second American student:  You mean – we just think we had a conversation with the 4th Earl?
First American student:  Could be!
Second American student:  How about my broken camera?
First American student:  Oh, the electricity from your own agitated body! Under tension, we can generate enough voltage to break down a wall, let alone a camera. Don’t forget – I’m majoring in science!

American student:
 Every time you open that big mouth of yours, you – science major! – you’re wrong! You’re always wrong!

.
From Howling III: The Marsupials (1987)

Film director:
  You know, this movie is about pop culture. In the sixties, Andy Warhol showed us how pop could be high art. In fact, everything is high art. That's what this is all about. For example, in your first scene you'll be gang raped by four monsters.


US President:
  Any sign of Beckmeyer yet?
Scientist:  No, sir. I think he fell in love - with the Russian werewolf.
US President:  Was it - female?
Scientist:  Yes.
US President:  Well - thank Christ for that!
.
From The Human Vapor (1960)

Anti-hero:
 Do you remember Dr Sano?
Reporter:  Yes. The eminent biologist. I knew him very well.
Anti-hero:  He died last year.
Reporter:  Yes, I remember.
Anti-hero:
Destroyed by his own creative power…. [Flashback] It all began one day at the library, that bottomless pit into which I had fallen. I, who was born to touch the stars! – condemned to this purgatory, all because of a few shadows on an x-ray – and the stars forever beyond my reach….
Boss:
 Hey, someone’s outside to talk to you!
Anti-hero:  Oh? Oh, thank you very much, sir.
Boss: And tell him no callers during business hours! Insist on it!
Anti-hero: 
Yes, sir…. I had no idea who awaited me outside. My only friend was still in a sanitarium…. It was not a very prepossessing man who got out of his car as I approached. [Reading business card] ‘Dr Sano. Professor, Medical Department, Jehuko University. Advisor to the Japanese Space Association’. But what could this great man of science want of a humble librarian? He said, "You’re wasting your life, you know, and your talents, if you keep hiding out in that library…."

Apologist:
  He was a very great scientist!
Victim:  
Hmph! So I have been told! Pardon me if I regard that man as an inhuman monster!
.
From Humanoids Of The Deep (1996)

Apologetic scientist: They took five death row inmates and injected them with a genetic code of sorts, taken from different species of fish, primarily salmon. It essentially fuses with genetic material already existing.
Disbelieving listener: 
Fish-men!?
Apologetic scientist:
You could say that. The goal was to create an amphibious soldier, but - something went wrong....
.