AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A SCIENTIST!
IMMORTAL DIALOGUE
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From Queen Of Blood (1966)

Female astronaut:  They're scientists, Allan - they know what they're doing!
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From Reefer Madness (1936)
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Student #1:  I don’t know why you want to make such a fuss of that Ralph Wiley.

Student #2:  He’s a swell swimmer! He made the freshman team last year he went to college.

Student #1:  Yeah, and then they left him out. My dad knows his family. None of them are any good. His father and mother just got a divorce in Paris.

Student #2:  Yeah!?

Student #1:  You know, Ralph runs around pretty much on his own. He’s been in a couple of jams.

Student #2:  Well, I only try to say hello to him. I don’t go around with him.

Student #1:  Well, you better not. He’s a little too old for us. That’s what my dad says.

Student #2:  Hmm..!

 

Mother:  Why don’t you speak frankly to Bill? He’ll be honest, whatever the trouble is. I’m sure Bill Harper never lied about anything.

Daughter:  Yes, that’s right! Bill’s mother says he never lies!

Mother:  There! You see?

 

Federal officer:  Here is an example: a sixteen-year-old lad, apprehended in the act of staging a hold-up. Sixteen years old, and a marijuana addict! Here is a most tragic case---

Principal:  Yes, I remember: just a young boy. Under the influence of the drug, he killed his entire family with an axe!

Federal officer:  Then there is the most vicious type of case. Here – in Michigan – a young girl, seventeen years old – a reefer smoker, taken in a raid in the company of five young men!

 

Principal:  I happened to attend the recent interscholastic tennis matches, and while Bill Harper had been considered an exceedingly good player, I saw him miss the ball by as much as three or four feet. This, I understand, could be attributed to the use of – marijuana!

 

Attorney:  Although you didn’t know, of your own knowledge, that the defendant was using marijuana, did you notice any changes that would lead you to believe, as an educator, that he was under some severe mental strain which might possibly have been induced by some drug?

Principal:  Yes! I recall distinctly a few weeks ago--- It was during a class of English literature. There was a serious discussion of Shakespeare’s Romeo And Juliet, when he suddenly burst into an uncontrollable fit of hysterical laughter!

 

Drug pusher:  I did everything I could to get him to come up to the apartment! I’m just as much to blame!  I am! I am!

Judge:  Do I understand you wish to plead guilty to a charge of fostering moral delinquency?

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From Rocketship X-M (1950)

Male pilot:  This is the hottest crew I’ve ever worked with! Particularly the brains department.
Male reporterYeah – very attractive, too!
Male pilot:  Yeah, I agree. But – you can quote me on this! – unless you look like a test tube or a chemical formula, you haven’t got a chance.

Male pilot:
  Now, don’t get mad at me – but can’t you ever relax? All these weeks, months, I’ve been watching you: nothing but work, work, work. Now, I’ve been wondering: how does a girl like you get mixed up in a thing like this in the first place?
Female scientist:  I suppose you think that women should only cook, and sew, and bear children?
Male pilot:  Isn’t that enough?

Male scientist:
  There must be an error there.
Female scientist:  I have made no error, Dr Eckstrom.
Male scientist:  I have to say you have made an error – and discard your figures. I’m sorry.
Female scientist:  Don’t be.
Male scientist:  Surely you’re not going to let emotion enter into this?
Female scientist:  Certainly not.
Male scientist:  We’ll continue computing using my figures as the basis.
Female scientist:  Yes, Doctor. Except that I feel very strongly I should say that – we should try both.
Male scientist:  We can’t. To complete either calculation will take 6-8 hours. We can’t afford the time. It’s either one or the other, Dr Van Horn.
Female scientist:  But it doesn’t have to be! You can’t be arbitrary about imposing your will when these people’s lives are at stake! Don’t you realise that? You speak as calmly as if you were saying “Pass the salt”. Aren’t you human? Are you made of ice? I’m sorry. I apologise.
Male scientist:  For what? For momentarily being a woman? It’s completely understandable, Miss Van Horn.

Female scientist:
  Doctor – can we be quite sure that these proportions are safe? We never proved it by experiment.
Male scientist:  The mathematical theory is beyond question.
Female scientist:  But of course, we know----  Sometimes it behaves unpredictably!
Male scientist:  Woman’s intuition again?

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From The She-Creature (1956)

Spiritualist: Now, on this very night, I have called her from the unknown depths of time itself! She is here - and, with her coming, the world will never be as it was! Neither man nor animal will be the same! This I, Dr Carlo Lombardi, have brought into being!

Spoilt rich girl
:
Enjoying your weekend with the idle rich?
Poor-but-honest scientist: Pretty heady stuff for a Professor of Psychic Research!
Spoilt rich girl: Oh, you sound a little disapproving.
Poor-but-honest scientist: Not at all. I just don’t feel I belong in your world of yachts and racing stables. Some of those tycoons in there! - including your father - kind of frighten me.
Spoilt rich girl: Oh, come now! This kind of life shouldn’t be too hard to get used to.
Poor-but-honest scientist: Let’s face it: I’m an Iowa farm-boy with a Professorship at the University - but basically, a farm-boy!
Spoilt rich girl: You’re a million miles away, Ted! And just when I thought I was starting to get through to you.
Poor-but-honest scientist: Look, Dorothy: I’m out of my element in a place like this. This preoccupation with trivialities! - this talk about money! I’m what you might call a square, I guess.
Spoilt rich girl: I’m real, aren’t I?
Poor-but-honest scientist: I don’t know. Sometimes I think you are, and then I see you as part of this elegant decay.
Spoilt rich girl: Well! That sounds like a high-class brush off!

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From The Snow Creature (1954)

Scientist: Yeti, yeti. What is this?
Native: Yeti. Creature of snow. Snow giant!
Scientist: Oh, you mean the Abominable Snowman. The Phantom of the Himalayas. Marauder of women! Ha, ha, ha, ha!


Scientist
:
A legend. The abduction of Subra’s wife. The footprints. The death of a native. All these things began to fall into a mysterious pattern.

Official
:
I see where you classify your import as a "snow creature".
Scientist: That’s right.
Official: Well, it’s necessary that we clarify its immigration status.

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From The Tingler (1959)

Bystander
:
Does it always kill them in – in the chair?
Doctor: Well, I’ve never heard of it failing.
Bystander: Well, in the chair, does it hurt them?
Doctor: Not if it’s done properly – at least, I don’t think so.
Bystander: Even a slight shock hurts---
Doctor: Try putting an electrode soaked in saline solution on your head, and another strapped to your leg, and then slamming two thousands volts between them. If it hurts, let me know.


Doctor
: I seldom know who they were or what they did, I suppose because I don’t want to know. Science is sometimes – frighteningly impersonal!

Young woman:
I sometimes – like right now! – wish he didn’t work for you at all. That he was---
Doctor
: What, a Persian rug merchant? Or---
Young woman: Oh, that’s much worse! Just an ordinary eight to fiver with a yen for picket fences.
Doctor: And waste one of the best minds in pathology?
Young woman: Not really. I love David just the way he is. I don’t even want to change him. Golly, is that abnormal?


Assistant
: Here, I got that prescription for you.
Doctor: Oh, good. You know, from the articles I’ve read, this is a very interesting drug.
Assistant: So is nitroglycerine!
Doctor: Dave! Where’s that "all for science" attitude?


Husband
: That was a charming little scene out there.
Wife: Yes – wasn’t it?
Husband: Love in bloom, right on the sidewalk. Rather shopworn, though, isn’t it?
Wife: Don’t tell me you’ve abandoned corpses for peeping out of windows?
Husband: If there was anything honest about your behaviour I might feel differently, but there isn’t. You’re just playing the field – and vice versa.

Wife: You know, Warren, you’ve lost touch with living people. Nobody means anything to you any more unless they’re dead – and you can root around inside them with your sharp little knives. There’s a word for you.
Husband: There’s several for you.


Wife
: The only way Dave Morris will marry my sister is over my dead body!
Husband: Unconventional – but not impossible.


Husband
: You’re not hurt, dear. It was just a blank cartridge. But thanks for helping with the experiment. You played your part excellently.
Wife: Oh, I see….
Husband: Sharing in your husband’s work, and all that, you know…. [A cat yowls] Kitty? Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty…. I was going to use this cat, but you made a much better subject. Have you two met? In the same alley, perhaps?


Assistant
: Working for the advancement of human knowledge is one thing, but dying for it - !
Doctor: Well, if that’s your attitude, we’ll just have to wait until we find someone else who’s willing to die for the advancement of science! And eventually, we will….


Doctor
: The only way I can frighten myself is to make it real – jump out of a window, get run over by a car, go out and drown….

Wife
: Home so soon?
Husband: Did you hear what the little husband said to the big wife?
Wife: Is this another of you oblique jokes?
Husband: He said, "Why does the back door slam every time I come in the front door?"

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From The Toxic Avenger Part II (1989)

Philosophical mutant superhero: At first I found it hard to believe that my father was Japanese, and that I was part-Japanese. But that would explain why I've always had these strange, non-American urges to work very hard, save money, and live without credit cards.

Homeless person:  Hey, buddy, spare some change?
Evil corporation head:  Neither a borrower nor a lender be! Shakespeare.
Homeless person:  Fuck you! David Mamet.

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From The Toxic Avenger Part III (1989)

Evil corporation head: With all the evil, rotten, corrupt, despicably low people in the world, why is it so difficult for me to get some help?

Blind girl: I look at it this way: I’ll never have to see ugliness. Or war. Or poverty. Or pollution. Or the Chevrolet Nova….

Depressed radioactive superhero
:
I don’t have a life! I have a half-life!

Depressed radioactive superhero:
The Tromavillians tried to put on a brave face and made the best of their mutated environment. But what does one feed to a creature that is half frog, half duck? Worse yet, what would you call it?

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From 12 To The Moon (1960)

Narrator: Hello, The World!

Narrator:
Within the next few minutes we expect to make world-shattering history! The dual- powered Lunar Eagle will take off with a liquid fuel method, and outside the Earth’s atmosphere will convert to atomic power. When the moon’s orbit is reached, by retro- power the first landing on the moon will be attempted! If all goes as planned, touchdown on lunar soil will be twenty-seven hours from X minus zero!

Mathematician:
I’ve heard a lot about that new dual magna-camera!

Recorder:
Physical condition of the entire group – excellent! - except for Dr Heinrich, whose age is showing.

Geologist:
Brilliant, did I hear? What brilliance? Young man, remember: who contributes most to interplanetary travel? Russia!
Recorder: What? Are you serious?
Geologist: But of course! Sputnik I, Sputnik II, Sputnik VIII, XI--- Two dogs, and---
Recorder: Our dog will survive these experiments!


Navigator:
Meteor cluster ahead!
Pilot: How close?
Navigator: You’re on a collision course! A collision course!!
Pilot: Changing over to auto-reaction pilot!


Recorder:
In a few minutes man, for the first time, will set foot upon the moon. The excitement is great, but controlled because of its momentous importance. I am now switching over to my helmet microphone. Now I’m turning on my invisible electromagnetic ray screen [fiddles with a knob; his voice distorts slightly] which forms a protective shield over our faces, and I will continue my commentary through my micro-tape recorder!
[His "invisible electromagnetic ray screen"??? That’s right: a film so cheap they couldn’t even afford a bit of plastic….]

Recorder: The first embarkation party returned to the Lunar Eagle because of diminishing oxygen and the necessity to normalise our bodily processes!
[Translation: they needed to use the john]

Recorder:
These symbols could have been sent by an Earth power already secretly here on the moon! A power that wishes to scare us away! How do you feel about that?
Geologist: Why ask me? How should I know?

Recorder:
I don’t believe there are any [dramatic pause] "moon-people". Do you?
Geologist: I’m convinced it’s possible.
Recorder: Someone could have made it all up to [dramatic pause] frighten us off!


Physicist:
This is flash-freezing! By some scientific means they – whoever "they" are – have found a way to freeze all molecular activity!
Mathematician: Those whizzing noises!
Physicist: Yes!


Physicist:
They have frozen the lower atmosphere by extracting all the [sic.!! – sorry, gang: really couldn’t work this one out] therm-spatics!
Mathematician: But how can that be possible?
Physicist: How is very simple. It is the principle of the atomic bomb in reverse!
Geologist: I agree with you. Through some superior device they have found a way of achieving a glacial phenomenon!
Physicist: Implosion bombs!


Physicist:
Listen: our emergency space-taxi works on atomic power. We must fashion a powerful atomic bomb by assembling and uniting a number of bomblets, such as we used on the moon! Two men, drawn by lot, should pilot the taxi over a live volcano! I am thinking of Popocatepetl, of course….
[Well, obviously]

Geologist:
You disconnected it, you crazy man!
Engineer: You don’t understand! This is our chance! Think! If the North American continent were to remain frozen, your greatest rival would be powerless! I am one with you, don’t you see? This way, we control the West! – and ultimately, the world!!
Geologist: What do you mean?
Engineer: You are not one of "us"!?
Geologist: I am not only a scientist, I am also a human being, not an insane murderer!
Engineer: You traitor!!
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