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Synopsis:
Dr Brian Goodman (Craig Sheffer) confronts his employer and former
friend Alan Morrisey (Harry Van Gorkum) over the misuse of the prototype
model of the Ultrasonic Drilling Machine, or USDM, a vehicle capable of
drilling through solid rock and travelling beneath the earth’s surface.
Suspecting that Morrisey has ordered the vehicle used beyond the agreed
upon limits in his pursuit of oil reserves, Brian warns him that doing
so could have catastrophic consequences. Morrisey tries to reassure
Brian, but he is not convinced. Returning to the control section of the
facility, he makes a drastic decision…. Just as Darryl Simmons (James
Russo) ushers a group of potential Chinese investors into the facility,
Brian warns Alan that he should clear the building. There is a rush to
evacuate the facility which, minutes later, is destroyed in a massive
explosion, along with the prototype drilling-machine…. Two years later,
Brian is wildcatting in the Sonoran Desert with his colleagues Sam
Dalton (Bruce McGill) and Rodney Bedecker (Wil Wheaton). Meanwhile, deep
beneath the PO-APOC drilling station on an island in the South China
Sea, the pilot of a subterranean vehicle decides to stop short of his
target oil reserve when his team detects a sudden lift in external
temperature. When the pilot refuses to move, the head of the surface
command centre contacts Alan Morrisey, who is flying towards the island
in his private plane. Morrisey is patched through to the vehicle and
angrily orders the pilot to proceed. At that moment, however, the
temperature abruptly doubles to a level past the vehicle’s safety limit.
The next instant, the vehicle is engulfed by magma, which continues to
travel up the newly-drilled fissure, rupturing the ocean floor and
triggering an explosion that destroys not only the drilling station, but
the entire island…. In a local bar, Brian sees a newspaper report of a
string of mysterious eruptions around the Pacific Rim, and leaves
immediately for Morrisey’s re-built facility. Morrisey tries at first to
brush aside Brian’s accusation that his recklessness has brought about
the ongoing disaster, but is finally won over by Brian’s claim that the
situation is not yet irreversible. He invites Brian to his research
facility in Hainan, China. On the flight, Brian meets Dr Allison
Saunders (Terry Farrell), PO-APOC’s head of Research & Development, who
rebuilt and modified the USDM. Allison describes the seismic phenomena
that have occurred so far, including a tsunami resulting from the
destruction of the island, which has struck Japan. Brian reveals that
his simulations indicate that the next region to be hit will be Central
America, and within the next forty-eight hours. Brian and Allison then
clash over how to deal with the situation, he insisting that her scheme
for drilling holes to release the pressure within the earth will,
rather, trigger more eruptions. Brian argues that they must instead use
the USDM to plant a series of nuclear devices deep within the deadly
fault line, and to set off a chain reaction that will quell the
situation by literally re-positioning the earth’s tectonic plates….
Foreword:
My recent personal history with the film Deep Core has been a
little, well, peculiar; hence the inclusion in this review not just of
one of my regular footnotes, but this foreword as well. I hope you’ll
bear with me.
I name-checked Deep
Core during my write-up of Tornado!,
listing it as an example of the “man’s hubris” school of disaster films.
Finishing that fairly brief review, I sent it off for posting that
Sunday afternoon, then wandered downstairs to see what was on TV….only
to find one of my cable channels playing Deep Core.
As it happened, the
screening was nearly over; but what the hell, I thought with a laugh,
I’ll watch the end of it anyway. So I flicked over – just in time to
see….something….that sent my jaw thudding to the ground. It was
gone almost before its import had registered, and I was left in that
unnerving state where you’re not quite sure if you’ve seen what you
think you’ve seen, or if your eyes are playing tricks. It was almost a
week before Deep Core screened again, and I was able to confirm
that, nope, I hadn’t been seeing things.
My next action was to
send out a cry for help to my fellow
B-Masters. It was Will Laughlin of
Braineater who answered the
call, offering to take a screenshot of – it – if I sent him a
copy of the film. I did so; and feeling that no-one who was doing me a
favour should be punished by having to watch Deep Core, I also
assured him that, “You don’t have to watch the film. Let me know
when it arrives, and I’ll tell you what I want.”
Alas for Will, he
didn’t realise that I meant those words, You don’t have to watch the
film, quite literally: that what I wanted was in the end credits.
Instead, he went ahead and watched it, gamely trying to spot the one
particular piece of idiocy in a film overflowing with idiocy that had
set me off; and, while doing so, sending me a series of e-mails,
detailing his thoughts on the subject and demanding to know whether he’d
“guessed right”.
And that, my
friends, is today’s Extra Special Bonus: Will Laughlin’s
Stream-Of-Consciousness Review of Deep Core.
(And, after all that,
what was it that set me off? Oh, don’t worry: we’ll get to
that….)
****************************
Will’s Review:
“….I'm about 15 minutes in, and this brings
up an interesting point... I can only imagine that the moment you speak
of must be very, very obvious, because so far I can't think of a moment
that isn't completely ridiculous. The CGI airplane avoiding the
inaccurately-depicted CGI tsunami is a riot, as is the "All Files
Deleted" message on a computer that obviously has to have some files
left, and the telecommunicator in the subterranean vehicle, and the
wonderful laptop magma detector... I wonder how they beta-tested
that software?? And then there's the laughably portentous opening
music, with big BOOMs and chimes and stingers (can't get a screenshot of
that, though), and the kid-with-a-camcorder roller coaster ride of dutch
tilts, and the fact they "accidentally" left the "J." out of Phillip
Roth's name in the credits... I can't wait to find out what the REAL
howler is….”
“….So it's not the
ludicrously inaccurate Chinese stereotypes, nor the
hero's apparent fixation with the movie "Gorath", nor the company called
"PO-APOC" (!), nor the fact that the oil guy who's
supposed to be listening to Verdi's "Falstaff" is in fact listening to a
synthesized and inaccurate rendition of Wagner's "Ride of the Walküre"...
nor the fact that with no time to lose, the Chinese get
pseudo-sp00ks to go all the way to Mexico to get some inexperienced
help, one of whom is drunk... .”
“I don't know how much more of this my
heart can stand….”
“…..What one thing could it have
been? The heat suits that appear to have loose trouser legs? The obvious
hole in Saunders's heat-resistant helmet? The ridiculous ship design
that failed exactly where I thought it would (at least the writers
realized what a problem those stupid outrigger wheels would be...)? The
ludicrous river of lava? The big lump of white quartz that's supposed to
be raw diamond? The fact that they go and sit on the steaming metal of
the vehicle after it emerges, in spite of the fact it was just
supposedly immersed in molten rock (though of course it should have been
utterly destroyed...)? Or just the fact that they apparently navigate
the entire Pacific rim, from Hainan to the US coastline, in only a few
minutes, trailing a line of fiber optic cable behind them???….”
“I went into this thing consciously
looking for mis-steps, with the result that my brain overloaded before
I'd even reached the halfway point. They could have gone swimming in the
magma and I probably wouldn't have noticed….”
****************************
Intermission: Looking from
Will’s succinct dismissal of Deep Core to my unnecessarily
lengthy review notes, I am rather put in mind of Ken Begg’s pictorial
mini-review of Jaws: The
Revenge. As Dr Freex said at the time, after a summation like
that, what need could there be for further expatiation?
Of course, Ken didn’t let the fact that
there was really no need to say anything more stop him; and I’m
certainly not about to let it stop me.
****************************
My Review: It was even more
appropriate than I realised at the time that I name-checked Deep Core
in my review of Tornado! I took the latter film to task for
trying to tell a story about the devastation caused by F5 tornados with
an effects budget of $0.97; Deep Core, going one better, tries to
tell a story about the cataclysmic end of the world on the proceeds of
what the producers were able to fish out of a neighbourhood storm sewer
using a piece of chewing-gum on the end of a stick.
As you would probably expect for a film
dealing with the threatened end of the world, Deep Core opens….ominously.
Flames in the background, pseudo-classical music, deep booms on the
soundtrack, and everything in super slow motion. We follow a couple of
luxury cars as they approach a sprawling building complex set in a rocky
hillside. From them emerge Darryl Simmons, a thuggish-looking suited
type who might as well have I AM PATENTLY UNTRUSTWORTHY tattooed across
his forehead, and a group of equally suited if slightly less patently
untrustworthy Chinese people….except that, you know, they’re Chinese.
(Chinese! It’s the new Russian!) They proceed towards the complex in
super duper slow motion, the scene cutting between shots of the
group as a whole and shots of their feet in close-up. You get the
impression that director Rodney McDonald was going for a Sam Peckinpah
kind of vibe here, but by the end of this untenably drawn out sequence,
he seems rather to be channelling Doris Wishman.
Inside the complex, meanwhile, things are
a bit livelier, as we are introduced to Brian Goodman and his superior,
Alan Morrisey. Brian is a clean-cut and square-jawed individual who,
although wearing a white lab coat, has jeans and a coloured shirt on
under it. Alan, conversely, has (i) a suit, (ii) a beard, and (iii) a
British accent. You do the math. Brian makes a series of
portentous statements such as, “The prototype is working too
well!” and “We’re going beyond the agreed-upon limits!” While this is
going on, possibly to convey that this is EXCITING!! and DRAMATIC!!,
possibly to make an arty juxtaposition with the super-static nature of
the outside shots (someone went to film school!), the camera
executes a rapid series of tilts and swoops and swirls that is literally
nauseating. It’s like watching something shot by the Wako Kid. With his
shootin’ hand.
“I’m warning you, Alan!” Brian finally
sums up, going for the big finish. “If you dig too deep, the
ramifications will be irreversible!”
“Trust me,” says Alan.
These words have exactly the effect upon
Brian that we might anticipate. With hardly an instant’s hesitation, he
heads down into the complex’s control centre and sets about sabotaging
his own work – which in the first instance involves turning a lever that
looks like it was drafted in from a coffee-grinder, pressing four square
red light-up buttons, and slamming his palm down on a bulge in the
control panel. I just love it when low-budget films try to do
“high-tech”, don’t you? Brian then turns to look through a couple of
porthole-like windows into a gigantic metal enclosure, and we get a very
indistinct glimpse of his baby, the thuddingly unimpressively named
“Ultrasonic Drilling Machine”. He fires up its sonic laser, melts a
solid slab of something or other with it, and shakes his head sadly. “At
least we know you work,” he reflects, apparently forgetting for the
moment that the fact that it worked too well was the problem in
the first place. Brian then knuckles down to wiping all the program
files for the USDM from the computer system – simply by hitting “delete”
– at which inauspicious moment, the Untrustworthy Suit Brigade finally
completes its snail’s paced trip across the walkway into the complex.
Alan Morrisey hurries to greet them, and the head of the USB (Chinese
Division) responds with, “May our future shine bright, with fortune!” –
because that, of course, is how Chinese people speak. Thankfully, Brian
– still busy at that computer, despite having wiped all the files off it
– interrupts any further painful exchanges with a suggestion, rather
casually delivered, under the circumstances, that Alan think about
evacuating the building.
Reviewing any film always involves
watching it at least twice. Sometimes, as in the present case, this can
be a bit of a chore, but there’s usually some consolation, such as
noticing details you miss the first time around – like the guy sitting
about three feet behind Brian when he says distinctly, “I suggest you
clear the area”, and when Alan starts bellowing, “Brian, what the
hell are you doing!?” – and who doesn’t even look around….
Along with a distinct lack of security,
either physical or electronic, it turns out that this marvellous
research facility doesn’t have much by way of a warning system, either.
In lieu of this, Alan starts waving his arms and shouting, “Clear the
building! Get out of here!” Fortunately, this massive building housing
an incredibly complex engineering project only has about a dozen
employees, so evacuation isn’t such a big deal, no matter how many
camera angles they show it from. Our Hero, his work done, takes a stroll
almost as leisurely as that executed by the USB earlier, and wanders
off. The entire complex then goes up in a massive explosion that….the
film-makers couldn’t afford to show us; something that bodes more than a
little ill for our tale of The End Of The World As We Know It. Instead,
we fade to black….
….and fade back in two years later, to
find Brian in the early stages of an extremely lengthy jail term,
following his conviction for---
Oh, hang on. No, we don’t. Actually, we
find Brian just as free as a bird, earning his living by wildcatting,
and working in the Sonoran Desert. How stupid of me to think that his
actions might have had some kind of legal repercussion!
(Even allowing for how standard a movie
convention is the Designated Hero© and his concomitant Total
Legal Exemption, I was so royally pissed off by this scenario that I
forwarded a description of the preceding scenes to (ahem) a lawyer
acquaintance of mine. Here is her partial list of the charges
that could and should have been brought against Our Hero:
“If this were taking
place within the reach of Australian jurisdiction, there are many
potential breaches of the law: in contract, in tort, of statutory duties
under the Corporations Act, and of criminal statutes.
These include:
·
breach of employment
contract (assuming he has an employment contract)
·
breach of fiduciary duty
·
various economic torts (eg.
causing economic loss to his employer, inducing breaches of contracts,
etc.)
·
malicious damage
·
trespass to property
·
discharging a weapon in a
public place
·
various (new) terrorist
offences
·
reckless endangerment of
human life
·
manslaughter (if he killed
anyone)
·
assault occasioning grievous
bodily harm (if they didn't die)….”
Bad enough, you’d think, but that’s not
even what really got up my nose, but rather the fact that Brian
makes no attempt to warn anyone before setting things to explode;
that having done so, he simply walks out to his car, which is
conveniently parked just outside (is it just me, or does this detail
rather suggest premeditation?); that he therefore gets to drive
to safety, leaving everyone else to do their best on foot; and that
although Brian simply walks away, while Alan stays behind to clear the
building, we’re still supposed, even at this stage, to find the latter
unforgivably villainous, and the former admirably heroic!
But then, Alan’s got a British accent. So
screw him.)
A few details later, and we are relieved
to discover that however inefficient the American legal system might be,
Fate is a little more on the ball. Brian is being punished,
having been condemned to spend all of his time with two companions best
described as….colourful. No, no – hold your shudders: there’s
worse to come. One of the two, Sam Dalton, has a broad southern accent
and speaks in nothing but “regional” similes; the other, Rodney Bedecker,
is perpetually Walkman-ed, perpetually goofy, and frequently drunk….and,
naturally, I may say consequently, is the team’s demolitions
expert; because, really, who else would you want handling your
explosives?
Oh – and did I mention that he’s played by
Wil Wheaton?
You may now commence shuddering. Take as
much time as you want. I’ll wait….
(It occurs to me now that by announcing
via subtitle that Brian and his people are in “the middle of nowhere”,
they might be trying to infer that he has fled from justice to another
country; but really….)
Meanwhile, while Brian is experiencing
partial justice in the Sonoran Desert, we get our first look at his
resurrected baby. I would call it “Thunderbird-esque”, but that
would be a gross slander on the talents of the Andersons. The USDM is
tunnelling beneath an island somewhere in the South China Sea.
Unfortunately for all concerned, instead of the oil it was (presumably)
pursuing, the subterranean driller strikes magma. The tunnel it has
opened up beneath the earth makes a perfect conduit to the surface for
the magma and, well, bye-bye island. This causes some inconvenience not
only for the people on the island, but for our old friend Alan,
who is being flown towards it in his private plane. We learn here that
Alan either keeps his employees on a very, very short leash, or
he hires for looks rather than brains: he has to tell his pilot
not to land! (“Hey, see that island blowing up in front of us?” “Ohhh,
yeahhh….”) We also learn that maybe the film-makers knew what they were
doing when they didn’t show us the facility blowing up earlier,
as we get our first real taste of what will pass for “special effects”
in this film, in the shape of a series of yellow CGI mushrooms popping
up all over the island. The culmination of all this is an hilariously
unconvincing tsunami, which requires Alan to shriek at his pilot – who,
clearly, is no Karen Black – “Altitude! Altitude!!”
The disappearance of the island is
followed by a series of earthquakes around the Pacific Rim, news of
which finally reaches Brian in “the middle of nowhere”, in the course of
an utterly excruciating “character” scene set in a bar that seems to go
on forever. I’ll spare you. The outcome is that Brian sets out
immediately for Alan’s re-built research facility, which astonishingly
looks exactly like the old one. That’s not all that hasn’t
changed: there’s no security, allowing Brian to sail into Alan’s office
and start hurling accusations. He also rattles off a list of sites where
earthquakes will shortly occur, these prognostications being the outcome
of the “simulations” he apparently knocked together during his trip from
“the middle of nowhere” to Alan’s office. Remarkable. Alan – cowardly
Brit that he is – quails under the verbal assault. Seeing this, Brian
assures him, “There’s still time” – a statement that flatly contradicts
what he said the first time he was arguing with Alan, but which serves
to get Brian invited to Alan’s other research facility in China,
where the “Series II” of the USDM is nearing completion.
And then it’s cute-meet time, with Brian
remarking, as he climbs into Alan’s plane (you wouldn’t get me
into that thing!), “I’d like to meet the guy who tried to duplicate my
research, because whoever he is, he’s got his head up his ass.”
“Her ass,” says the guy. And
zing goes both the soundtrack and Brian’s heartstrings, as we meet
Deep Core’s other Trek alum, Terry Farrell as Dr Allison
Saunders, MIT graduate, expert mechanical engineer, and grade A idiot.
I’m going to skip lightly over the next
few scenes, at least in this text (Thank God! I hear you cry),
since they consist almost entirely of Brian and Allison sneering and
sniping at each other in that way that’s meant to mean “uncontrollable
attraction”, heaven knows why. I’ll simply say that Brian and Allison
are flown to Hainan; Brian comes up with a scheme to save the world via
the synchronised detonation of a series of nukes (it’s hard to believe
that anyone could be so bereft of imagination as to rip off Deep Core,
but having recently watched the mini-series 10.5, well….); and we
finally get a good look at the legendary USDM. Also, Simmons finally
shows his true colours, emerging from behind his Thuggish Underling
façade to reveal himself as Primary Villain. (Note to eee-vil
corporate types: when your supposed goon casually reveals himself as
capable of getting his hands on nuclear devices, it’s time to re-think
your hiring policy.) I do recommend, though, that you hop on over to
“Immortal Dialogue” when you’ve finished here, not just to enjoy some
truly first class pseudo-science, but for a look at what the illustrious
Dr Saunders considers an appropriate way to behave when confronting the
imminent end of the world.
At Hainan, Brian has a team of Chinese
scientists “whose security clearance is more important than their
training” thrust upon him, and rejects the arrangement angrily. In the
ensuing argument, Simmons is revealed as being in on a dastardly Chinese
plot, while Alan turns out to be his unknowing puppet – weak, not evil;
issues with Daddy; you know the drill – so that later on he can
redeem himself by giving his life to save Our Heroes. (Oops! Hope I
didn’t spoil anything for you!) The first of Brian’s “simulated”
earthquakes strikes; and I couldn’t possibly let this section of Deep
Core go by without attempting to describe what passes for this
earthquake: a shot of the city of Quito….and a shaking camera. And
that’s it. Or nearly so. I have the feeling that in the first cut of
this film, that was it; but it turned out to be too cheap and
ridiculous even for the makers of Deep Core; so they CGI-ed in:
one (1) crumbling building; and: one (1) small fire. I tell you, this
stuff just warms my heart.
The Great Quito Quake struck earlier than
predicted, however, meaning that there is even less time available to
take action than realised. So, naturally, the whole project is put on
hold while a couple of MiB are sent to track down Sam Dalton and Rodney
Bedecker. They find them – boy, do they find them! – holed up in
Mexico, the former trashed and singing opera, the latter trashed and
drinking tequila shots off a prostitute’s abdomen. Because, as we all
know, when it comes to saving the world, no-one gets the job done quite
like a bunch of sleazy, drunken, irresponsible morons. Okay, so one of
them is a cultured, sleazy, drunken, irresponsible moron; but the
point stands.
And I’m sorry, but I have had it
with this! – not just the convention that states that when a crisis
strikes, the very last people you want in charge are the competent
trained professionals (even if they’re not directly responsible
for the crisis, which they usually are), but the inference that the
sleazy, drunken, irresponsible morons who are called in to save the day
are supposed to represent me, the “average viewer”, the “everyday
person”; that I’m supposed to identify with them. I don’t know
how the rest of you feel about this, but personally, I find it
insulting.
Sam and Rodney are flown to Hainan, and
spend the whole flight getting even more trashed. Habitual
drunkenness: it’s so lovable, isn’t it? Simmons, furious with Morrisey
for bringing in Brian’s “team” without consulting him (and really, who
can blame him?), comes completely out of the closet, revealing that the
USDM has been sold to the Chinese government and modified into a
subterranean weapon. He orders the horrified Morrisey to make a part of
the mission team and, when the job is done, to assassinate all the
others. Who outnumber him. With a handgun. In a confined space. Yeah,
that should work.
Meanwhile, watching the nukes loaded, it
finally dawns on Allison what those “modifications” to the USDM that she
didn’t see fit to question any earlier are for. “I can’t believe I was
so stupid!” she cries. Amen, sister! But having no choice, the team of
experts boards the USDM and sets out on its mission – and Deep Core
enters a phase of deep tedium. Things go sequentially wrong with the
machine; the team fixes them. (I may say that it is entirely unclear
whether these problems are the result of the USDM being fundamentally
unsound – having been, you know, built by a girl – or whether
they are, as Bugs Bunny used to say, the result of sabotagey.) The nukes
are deployed (about ten yards apart, from the evidence here). And then
the USDM breaks down, right beneath the eruption of Mount Pinatubo, and
right next to a magma spike like the one that wiped out the first USDM
crew. Fortunately, the break is something fixable by two people with a
Phillips head screwdriver, so Allison and Rodney pop out to take care of
it.
(In a simply nauseating bit, when Allison
reports to Brian that it will take about twenty-five minutes to fix the
problem, he promises her, if she can do it in fifteen, that he will show
her “his favourite magic trick” – causing Allison to simper, giggle –
and speed up. The end of the world might be nigh, and all, but we all
know that what it really takes to motivate a woman is the promise
of a little sugar.)
The USDM fixed, Rodney then announces, for
no readily apparent reason, “I’m gunna go back and take a look at the
rear tread.”
Well, I said to myself, when watching this
film for the first time, you’re dead.
And yes, indeed. That magma spike chooses
this moment to break through the surrounding rock, and Rodney melts away
under a stream of orange goop like the Wicked Witch of the West.
As Rodney is turned into his component
parts, Allison shrieks, backs away, trips over, and knocks herself out –
isn’t that just like a girl? – sending Brian rushing to the rescue. He
scrambles into a heat suit and out of the USDM, grabbing Allison just as
the magma is about to engulf her foot and hauling her inside to safety.
She’s perfectly fine, of course, because if the movies have taught us
anything, it’s that magma isn’t hot unless you touch it. She collapses
in Brian’s arms. “Rodney!” she sobs.
“I know,” says
Brian, and proceeds to speak for an entire generation: “It’s okay.”
(Well – maybe not an entire
generation…. I have to confess, perhaps to my shame, perhaps not, that I
have never travelled very far through the Trek universe. Consequently, I
have never contracted the virulent hatred of Wil Wheaton and all his
works that infects and motivates so many. I have many friends in the
Anti-Wesley League, though, and you may believe me when I tell you that
this scene brings them to a point of literally orgasmic pleasure.
As for me, well, even if I do eventually
take a trip through that universe, I’m not sure I’ll ever really be a
fully paid-up member of the AWL; not, at any rate, after finding the
following quote from Mr Wheaton himself:
“Way back in the year 2000, I did an
incredibly shitty movie called Deep Core, about a motley crew of
misfits who head to the center of the earth to save the world from some
. . . big . . . magma . . . something. It’s one of those embarrassing ‘I
gotta pay the bills’ movies that all actors have on their resumes and
would like to forget….”
Anyhoo….)
Inside the USDM, the return of Brian and
Allison saves Sam, who despite orders has refused to go on without them,
from a bullet in the head, courtesy of Alan. Brian hears of Pinatubo’s
eruption, and announces, “We’re just about out of time!” And then we get
one of those peculiar little “personal morality” scenes that do tend to
crop up in disaster movies. When Brian reports that Rodney has bitten
it, Simmons has the temerity simply to inquire after the vehicle
– thus revealing himself instantly as a traitor both to his country and
to humanity.
Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t a
functional USDM necessary to the survival of the entire planet??
Yet Simmons is supposed to be worse than Hitler, just because he doesn’t
break down into hysterics upon hearing of the death of someone he barely
knows, but instead concentrates on the issue at hand. What makes this
even more bizarre is that Brian and Sam are both doing the
square-jawed, dry-eyed, no-time-to-grieve routine themselves! (Not
Allison, of course, ‘cos she’s a girl.) So it’s all right for
them, but not for Simmons!?
Anyway, despite Brian’s announcement about
time running out, this is the moment they choose to shut down the
USDM and have a little chat with Alan. It goes as expected: blah-blah,
greedy, blah-blah, please believe me, blah-blah, lost sight of what’s
important, blah-blah, never meant it to turn out like this, blah-blah.
The upshot of all this is the revelation that the nukes can be set off
from up top via the linking fibre optic cable; and that the cable itself
has a dead man’s trigger, so that if they sever communication, the nukes
will detonate automatically.
But more important matters press, like the
USDM’s hilarious encounter with a miles-wide wall of what is supposed
to be raw diamonds, but which looks like tinfoil, sparkles and plastic.
The laser can’t cut through diamond, you see, so they’re forced to
detour….and with the extra distance, here endeth the trailing fibre
optic cable. This gives Alan his opportunity, and he locks himself into
the bomb pod, which is jettisoned, buying the others twenty minutes by
running a diagnostics program that prevents the immediate detonation of
the bombs….and running down his own clock by playing computer solitaire.
Oh, ain’t it poignant? Meanwhile, the other three are left to come up
with some way of clearing the blast area – and then Sam notices those
convenient nearby channels that carry magma to the surface. And yes, Our
Heroes decide to plunge on in, and ride that magma to, uh, safety. The
USDM breaks through into the molten rock (“It’s gunna get rough now!”
Brian helpfully informs his colleagues) just as Alan’s diagnostics
program finishes running, and the delayed detonation takes place. (“Hold
on!” advises Mr Bleeding Obvious.)
And I gotta admit--- I’ve been terribly,
terribly hard on Deep Core, but the magma-surfing sequence very
nearly won me over. After all, I sat here last week confessing a love
for Monster From The Ocean
Floor based on its glove-puppet monster. How, then, can I not
love a film whose big climactic scene features a Tonka toy bobbing
around on a river of cartoon magma?
As the blast rips through the very planet,
the USDM is hurtled to the surface, its crew dramatically – and briefly
– losing consciousness. Brian comes to first, naturally, and blinks at
the sunlight overhead. I wish it were Allison who was conscious: then I
could ask her why her subterranean driller has a glass lid – and why the
three of them weren’t consequently baked to death on the way up.
And sure enough, the USDM is sitting on
the ocean surface, supported by rapidly-hardening magma….or lava, I
guess it is now. Brian climbs out onto what still should be a killingly
hot roof, Allison follows, and the inevitable clinch follows. Sam picks
up radio signals to the effect that both the American and the Russian
Coast Guards are hurrying towards them (because, of course, with the
entire world crumbling under non-stop seismic catastrophes, they
wouldn’t have anything more important to worry about); and the threat of
the USDM being used as a weapon is entirely averted; because, as we all
know, once the technology for a weapon becomes generally available,
no-one ever bothers to use that weapon again – right?
Oh….hang on a minute….
Click
here for some truly
Immortal Dialogue!
****************************
Afterword: So – after all
that fuss up top, what was it that sent me into such a fit of
hysterics?
Just imagine, my friends, what it was like
for me that Sunday afternoon, turning on my television and at that
exact instant, seeing this in the credits for Deep
Core:
It was, to say the
least, a disconcerting moment. I guess now I know exactly how Homer
Simpson felt, when he inexplicably found his own face on a box of
Japanese dishwashing powder. At any rate, I reacted with precisely the
same kind of panicky whimpering noises that he made.
Now, as far as I
know, I haven’t done anything for which the good people at UFO might
want to thank me – if anything, au contraire – so the only
conclusion that I can draw is that, somewhere out there, I have a
doppelganger; a doppelganger who devotes her time, her talent, perhaps
even her money, to ensuring that films like Deep Core get made
and released.
I hardly know
whether to be thrilled or appalled…. |
Director: