FISH
WITHOUT BICYCLES
A B-Masters Cabal Roundtable Presentation
"Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no-one can deny
."
Women without men? I hear you cry. Ridiculous! Unnatural! As
science fiction hero after science fiction hero has declared, no woman is complete without
a man and frankly, Im inclined to agree. After all, as my colleague, Mr Begg,
so rightly says, if a woman doesnt have a man, how will she ever be able to get a
pickle jar open? Or appreciate the sheer futility of ever asking directions? Or know when
her butt looks big in something?
On the other hand since, beyond these three functions, there
are no known practical applications for the male sex whatsoever, perhaps its not
surprising that, over the years, and right across the universe, various Womens
Groups have decided that, like Ms Steinems fish, they can manage quite nicely
without a bicycle. The B-Masters Cabal has decided to take a look at the societies of
these brave pioneer-ettes, and see just how they do get along in the absence of the male
sex and what happens when the male sex does what it does best: turns up uninvited,
hogs the remote, leaves the toilet seat up, and ruins everything
.
|
 |
And You Call Yourself a Scientist!
|
Cat
Women of the Moon
|
 |
"Alpha
gives it as her opinion that four of them will be well able to conquer the Earth all on
their own. You might be tempted to accuse Alpha of getting overambitious here; but then
again, as far as she knows the best that the human race has to offer is represented by
Sonny Tufts, Victor Jory and Marie Windsor; so you cant really blame her for getting
carried away."
|
 |
The Bad Movie Report
|
H.O.T.S.
|
 |
"That, however, takes a very distant back seat to a series of skirmishes
between the two sororities, most of which seem to involve nudity of one sort or another
(golly, what a surprise!), culminating in a cat fight at a wet T-shirt contest, and the
ensuing challenge to settle everything with a game of strip football. That got your
attention, didn't it?"
|
 |
Jabootu's Bad
Movie Dimension
|
Wild
Women |
 |
"Trent explains that he intends to mount another expedition
and return to the land of the Ulamas. His shirtless hosts, excited and aroused by his
manly tale, insist that they will join him on his quest.
"Are you both serious?" Trent asks, perhaps a bit nervously. "As long as
there is women there," Sparafucile says, perhaps a bit too forcefully, "lead us
to them, boy!" After discussing how the women are to be divvied up, the three engage
in hearty, manly guffaws. Hard to believe the Ulamas ever decided to live without
men."
|
 |
Opposable Thumb Films |
Charlie's Angels |
"The premise from the original
was simple: A reclusive millionaire assembles a trio of brilliant (and awfully purty)
women - each unique in background and talents - and together
wait for it
they
fight crime! Every week the Angels were presented with the crime du jour, and every week
the Angels would kick some criminal ass (all the while wearing revealing clothing and
maintaining nearly perfect coiffures). The premise for the recent Charlies Angels is
the same, with the exception of skin-tight Levis replacing skin-tight Jordache."
|
 |
Stomp Tokyo
|
Pagan Island |
 |
"Given the incredibly spare script, threadbare production values, and the
bevy of bathing beauties present here, one would think that the film's main purpose is to
titillate. These island girls, however, guard their curves jealously by adorning
themselves with leis, which they hold strategically in place whenever they move quickly
enough for the flowers to shift. Pagan Island it's a movie of complicated
contradictions."
|
 |

Teleport City |
Colossus
And The Amazon Queen |
 |
"In Colossus and the Amazon Queen it's the
women who perform tasks like hunting and fighting and belching while the men all run
around like a bunch of howling fops. It's also one of the only peplum films to feature a
hero who shouts, "Yahoo!" in a high-pitched girlie voice."
|
 |
The Unknown Movies Page
|
Dinosaur
Island |
 |
"They perform one of their rituals in the
opening scene, consisting of them not only tying one of their own up for a sacrifice, but
painting another of them blue and having her dance topless. Part of this dance ritual also
apparently requires that at one point the fur bikini top of the sacrifice victim gets
ripped off. Soon we see who the victim is being sacrificed to - two gigantic chicken feet
that step into the camera range!"
|