IMMORTAL DIALOGUE
And You Call Yourself a Scientist!
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from The Andromeda Strain (1971)

First politician: The decision on 712 isn’t final. It was just postponed for 48 hours.
Scientist: By then the disease could spread into a world-wide epidemic!
Second politician: It’s because of rash statements like that that the President doesn’t trust scientists!

First scientist: Let’s not get sidetracked on Rudolf Karp and his meteorite theories! His technique was worthless!
Second scientist: I still think we should contact him.
First scientist: Fair enough. Where is he?
Third scientist: Behind the Iron Curtain. He couldn’t get a research grant here.
[I was going to say "it’s funny, ‘cos it’s true", but in fact it’s so true it ain’t funny....]

from Around The World Under The Sea (1966)

Technical explanation: This is the warning device. It’s so sensitive that before an earthquake happens, before it’s either seen or heard, this device senses it. Obviously, we call it a ‘sensor’.

Bewildered observer: Rabbits underwater!? How did you accomplish this?
Offhand genius:
Oh, it’s an artificial gill that allows them to breathe underwater.

Misanthropic scientist: Sharks, animals - they kill each other for a reason, because they’re hungry. People kill each other for nothing.
Humanitarian scientist: Wait a minute, now. There might be a few people like that, but it certainly doesn’t apply to the whole human race.
(Then we’ll disregard the rumours)

Venal scientist: It’s better to be a rich scientist than a poor scientist.
(A ‘rich scientist’? Isn’t that an oxymoron?) 

Sexist scientist: You want to put a woman aboard a submarine for three or four months!?
Liberated scientist: She’s also a scientist, and so are we.

Female scientist: I’m a problem. You men gave us our freedom, but sometimes it’s difficult to cope with.
Male scientist: We better learn how to cope with it, ‘cause you’ll be there, working right along side of us. Whether it’s in outer space or deep under the ocean - you’ll be there.

from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: The Director's Cut (1979/1994)

Japanese scientist: Technically, sir, tomatoes are fags.
American scientist: [after a slight pause] He means fruits.

President: I want you to get General Mitchell on the line – tell him to bomb New York City!
Government agent: But, Mr President! - the tomatoes are nowhere near New York!
President: You worry about your problems, I’ll worry about mine.

from The Bees (1978)

Male scientist: You got through customs all right?
Female scientist: Oh, yeah. They were hassling some poor fellow with a beard and jeans, and I just kind of slipped by looking very respectable.

Scientist: I understand your interest in our work from an economic point of view, but it’ll be quite a while before we can find out whether these African bees can be made less dangerous while not losing any of their beneficial qualities.
Businessman: Well, better a little more aggressive than lazy. That’s the American way, after all!
Businessmen: Ha, ha, ha!

Female scientist: John, you’re being careful with that radiation, aren’t you? I mean, we wouldn’t want you altering your chromosomes or – altering your genes.
Male scientist: No, these are highly focused instruments. They’re not like radar beams or microwave ovens. Don’t worry. Why are you so interested in what’s in my genes?
[Scientist humour!]

Older male scientist: I can work this without you.
Female scientist: I’m only good because I work cheap, Uncle Ziggy. Y’know? - I work cheap!
[Angel Tompkins’ work ethic….]

Newsreader: It is incredible that in spite of having the most sophisticated weapons and advanced defense systems, the United States seems completely defenseless against this invasion. More news on the bees in just one minute.
Ad voiceover: ‘Sheba’ – a new discovery in natural beauty creams! The same formula used by the Queen of Sheba, which devastated the great King Solomon and made him her slave! What was her secret? Royal Jelly!----
Female scientist: This is like playing a cigarette ad after a documentary on lung cancer!

Corrupt politician: For Christ’s sake, can you please tell me what the hell is happening? You told me those beehives of yours were foolproof. Now these killer bees are all over the place! Look, this is shaping up in Congress like a goddamn volcano – and my ass is hanging right over the cone!
Corrupt businessman: Take it easy, Sam. It wasn’t the hives, it was that Dr Morris – the one you picked to bring the frozen bee sperm from Brazil! He stole some, sold it to the competition, and let their bees escape!
Corrupt politician: Dr Morris did that? Ooh, that bastard! I’ll have him transferred to a family planning clinic in Bangladesh!

Male scientist: What Dr Hummel proposes is the synthetic manufacture of this chemical, which is known as a ‘pherone’. [sic.] It can be sprayed into the atmosphere and, we believe, cause the drones to become confused, and attempt to mate with each other rather than with the queen bee.
Politician #1: Are you saying that this chemical of yours will turn the male bees into homosexuals!?
Politicians: Ha, ha, ha!
Male scientist: Well, that’s as good a way to put it as any. And the result of that can only be – pretty soon, no more African bees.
Politician #2: Reminds me of a neighbourhood I know in L.A.!
Politicians: Ha, ha, ha!

Older male scientist: Sondra, now you vill zee zomething frightening! Ze battle to ze deaths between ze new queens! Ze zurvival of ze fittest! – or rahzer, of ze most brutal! A reflection of ze human political process, in a vay!

Older male scientist: Hey, zat kiss vas for me! After all, she is my niece!
Younger male scientist: That’s adding incest to injury!

Corrupt politician [on the phone]: Hello, this is one of your ‘clients’. I want to take out a ‘contract’ with some of your people. I want the very best available!
[And later….]
Corrupt politician [on the phone]: Hello, this is your client! Why haven’t I heard from you?……Look, I have a contract!----

Male scientist: Hummel is dead, and there doesn’t seem to be anything we can do against them.
UN observer: Well, why the hell aren’t you here?
Male scientist: Because we’re trying to decipher the language patterns of the bees!
UN observer: You’re doing what? Are you mad? You want us to conduct peace negotiations with bugs!?

Male scientist: Once again, Nature is reacting – striking back against man’s unrestrained tampering. And the chosen instrument of this defence is this new species of killer bee, created by some electronically stimulated genetic mutation! The late Dr Hummel’s research has given us ample evidence that this species has evolved beyond its ordinary habitual and instinctual concerns and patterns, and is capable of reasoning. Furthermore, this species has established meaningful and serious communication with my colleague, Mrs Miller, and myself!
British UN delegate: Good Lord! This chap’s gone completely raving bonkers!

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