And You Call Yourself a Scientist!
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Reporter: I spoke to him, but I guess he didn’t hear me.
Scientist: Oh. He’s a deaf-mute. Working with radiation can be – dangerous….

Scientist: Nothing to worry about! Just a slight catastrophe!
Reporter: Do you have these catastrophes often?
Scientist: Ha, ha! All the time!

Scientist: It’s hard to keep these little things from getting in. These are snails. Last summer it was caterpillars. After that, it was grasshoppers – by the drove! – and just last week, it was beetles!

Reporter: How do they get so big?
Scientist: Well, radiation causes photosynthesis – that is, the growing process – to continue night and day. The radioisotopes act as a---sort of an artificial sun; a sun that never sets!

Reporter: Tell me: what’s he doing?
Scientist: Well, that’s plant food; essential minerals. Keeps the plants from burning themselves out. They have to be fed constantly. Actually, the fruit would be much larger if we didn’t limit the stimulation!

Scientist: What do you want me to do?
Reporter: Just ride out there with me and take a look.
Scientist: I don’t understand what good that’ll do. The authorities investigated it thoroughly.
Reporter: The sheriff thinks in terms of crime and publicity. You’re a scientist. You think in terms of cause and effect. Maybe you’ll see something he missed!

Scientist: I’ve got your explanation for you, Tom! Now, listen: you’ve known me ever since I came to Paxton. You know I’m not given to hysteria, and you’ve got to listen to me with an open mind!
Colonel: Take it easy, Ed!
Scientist: Locusts!
Colonel: What are you talking about?
Scientist: I’m talking about giant locusts! Giant locusts are responsible for all this!

Scientist: You have to believe us! Listen: you’ve seen the giant plants out at the lab---
Colonel: Are you trying to tell me you bred these things!?
Scientist: In a sense – I did, yes…. Some locusts must have gotten into the lab – and they ate some of the plants, or some of the radioactive plant food. So their cell division accelerated immediately – that is, they started to grow abnormally fast!

Scientist: Each one of them has the strength of ten men! There are probably two or three hundred of them!
Colonel: So last night, not satisfied with eating grain, they came to Ludlow?
Scientist: Yes!
Colonel: Ha, ha! Even if I went for your story about their size, it’d be hard to believe they’d attack people!

Scientist: We saw Frank Johnson killed by a giant locust!
Colonel: Sure, and there are reliable people who’ve also seen flying saucers and weird little men from Mars!

Colonel: Where would I get off calling for the regular army to handle some oversized grasshoppers? Why, they’d Section Eight me right out of the service!

Scientist: Wait a minute. We can’t drive them – not drive – but we could attract them – attract! If we could reproduce their call, General, it might work! It just might work!
General: What do you need?
Scientist: Well, let me see. I need--- Uhhh, I need--- I need an audio-oscillator. I need an audio--- Two! Two audio-amplifiers! The most powerful you can get! I need an ostilloscope! I need some high frequency radio equipment! And a boat! A fast boat!

Scientist: I just attached the wires from the ploygraph to the two copper strips at the bottom of the cage. Now, the locust, like every other living thing, has galvanic reflexes, or electrical charges, in direct ratio to its activity, or emotional stimulation!

from The Blood Beast Terror (1967)

Mad scientist:  Wasn’t it I who created you? And how have you rewarded me? By causing death and destruction! And now I have been insane enough to create another!

Female monster:  You mean – it’s ready?

Mad scientist:  Yes! In a few days it would have matured – and you would have had the companion you seek: a male of your own species! But now I realise what I have created, I’m going to destroy you both!

from The Brain From Planet Arous (1958)

Scientist’s fiancée: You know it’s three o’clock and you mad scientists haven’t even stopped for lunch?
Scientist: No wonder I’ve been getting insulting messages from my stomach!

First scientist: Dan, we’re going over to Mystery Mountain!
Second scientist: Not before we eat!

Scientist: There’s a hot blast of gamma coming from Mystery Mountain! That’s cause enough for any scientist to go into the desert. Lucky it’s intermittent. If it was constant, we’d be fried!

First scientist: Turn the Geiger on again, will you?
Second scientist: It is on. Suddenly it’s as cool as a well-digger’s foot.

Scientist: Who are you? What do you want?
Evil alien brain: I am Gor! I need your body as a dwelling-place while I am here on your planet Earth.
Scientist: Why me?
Evil alien brain: Because you are a recognised nuclear scientist. Because you have entrée to places on Earth I want to go. I chose your body very carefully, even before I knew about Sally – a very exciting female!
Scientist: Leave Sally out of this!
Evil alien brain: Why? She appeals to me! There are some aspects of the life of an Earth savage that are exciting and rewarding! Things that are missed by the brains on my planet, Arous.
Scientist: If you so much as touch Sally, I’ll---!
Evil alien brain: It is you who are touching her! Even I must have some interest to spur me on! She’ll do very nicely!

Evil alien brain: None of your puny weapons will affect me!

Evil alien brain: Your feeling of helplessness is your best friend, savage! When I am occupying your body, or in my present transitory form, I am without substance and indestructible! You are fortunate that Gor, one of the greatest intellects in a world where intelligence is all, has chosen to use your body! I, Gor, in your stupid body, will have the power of life and death over this civilisation. Through me, you shall have power such as no man has seen before in the history of your planet! The power of pure intellect!

Evil alien brain: We will take the young female for a ride in your car. I will enjoy being you tonight! She gives me a very strange, very new elation!

Possessed scientist: I’m going to the atomic bomb tests at Indian Springs. I’m going to watch the tests with Colonel Froghley and Professor Tate, and then I’m going to introduce my discovery. It’ll make the atomic bomb look like a firecracker!
iancée: You frighten me when you talk like that!

Fiancée: We’re going to be rich?
Possessed scientist: Mmm, richer than that! Pictures in the paper, royalty calling on you---
Fiancée: You scare me when you talk like that!


Commander: We have passed the 2000 mile level, are travelling in space. Speed: 7 miles per second; motors: smooth; fuel consumption: point oh-eight-six-five; temperature of atom chamber: unchanged; nitrate pictrate acid: secure!

Mission control: Wait a minute, Commander! There’s a world full of people listening in! Are you all right? Could we have a few words from the crew?
Commander: NO!!

Co-pilot: We’re weighed down at the right – something’s embedded in our rear section!
Commander: The atom chamber!
Engineer: Heat radiation going up fast!
Navigator: Must be a meteor – can we shake it?
Commander: Maybe centrifugal force will dislodge it!

Co-pilot: I’m okay. Go talk to Laird.
Navigator: Hmm?
Co-pilot: Go on. After all, you’re his girl.
Navigator: For the duration of this trip, the only relationship I have with the Commander is a scientific one. This is no time to tamper with the emotions.
Co-pilot: I bet you got that from him.
Navigator: It’s true.
Co-pilot: It’s hooey! You can’t turn love on and off like a faucet! Believe me, baby, if I ever fell in love with you, I’d chase you across the world, around the moon, and all the way stations in between! Aw, go on, beat it!

Commander: Helen, who is Alpha?
Navigator: Alpha?
Commander: On the radio you said, ‘Alpha, we’re on our way’.
Navigator: I don’t remember saying that!
Commander: Probably just a touch of space madness!

Co-pilot: Without any oxygen, what can you possibly want with cigarettes!?
Navigator: I feel more at home carrying them.
Co-pilot: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Commander: Almost as silly as that gun, Kip. You know there’s no life on the moon!
Co-pilot: I guess I’m like Helen: I feel more at home that way!
Navigator: I wish you’d tell him not to, Laird! Either we’re on a scientific expedition, or we’re a bunch of boy scouts on an outing!

Co-pilot: Laird, look! Moisture!
Radio operator: How can there be water without atmosphere!?
Commander: Impossible! Maybe it’s something that only looks like water!
Co-pilot: The scientist doesn’t know enough to come in out of the rain! Laird, did it ever occur to you that maybe this is atmosphere?
Commander: On the moon!?
Co-pilot: Could be why it’s hard for us to walk! Where there’s atmosphere, there’s got to be gravitational pull to hold it! Even I know that!

Commander: Magnetic field on the dark side….could exert a….gravitational pull, if…. A special one…. Uh…. ‘Course, we’d have to….uh….verify it….
Engineer: And this is a natural decompression chamber, isn’t it, sir?
[Douglas Fowley earns his "Dialogue Director"’s credit]

Cat-Woman [falling in lurrve]: I’d like that "driving down to the beach" bit – stretching out on the sand – just a boy and a girl together – and – and maybe what you call – a "Coke".

Co-pilot: Now, then, which side are you on?
Navigator: I didn’t know we had sides!
Co-pilot: I’m convinced you deliberately led us into this! I’d be very happy if you’d unconvince me!
Navigator: I don’t know what you mean!
Co-pilot [grabbing her by the shoulders]: Look, Helen – I have a very high regard for you! You’re smart, you have courage – and you’re all woman! – and if it hadn’t been for Laird, I would have tried to make it you and me a long time ago!
Navigator: Flattery will get you no place!
Co-pilot: Helen! [He grabs her hand]
Get your big hands off me!!
Not until you level with me! [She moans, collapsing against him] Oh, come on, now! I’m not hurting you that much!
Navigator: Don’t let go, Kip!
Co-pilot: Helen, what’s the matter?
Navigator: Danger, Kip! They want to kill you! They’ll take the ship, and they’ll make me go with them!
Co-pilot: Well, how?
Navigator: They can, Kip! They control me!
Co-pilot: Control you!?
Navigator: Even with Laird! I liked you best – but Laird knew more, so they wanted me with him!
Co-pilot: They don’t control you now, do they?
Navigator: No! But hang on! Hold on tight!
Co-pilot: You’re doggone right I will! You’re doggone right! [They kiss passionately]

Cat-Woman [demonstrating her knowledge of the rocketship]: In other words – this controls this, in a ratio of six-to-one; the speed control retardant; the stabiliser; and the cut-off!
Engineer: You’re too smart for me, baby – I like ‘em stupid!
[It’s okay, everyone: she stabs him to death shortly afterwards. It’s okay….]

First Cat-Woman: Four of us will be enough! We will get their women under our power – and soon we will rule the whole world!
Second Cat-Woman: But I don’t want to rule the world! I want to live on it, just like the Earth people do!
First Cat-Woman: Lambda, we are coming into a new situation. We must bring our culture to Earth!
Second Cat-Woman: No!
Third Cat-Woman: She’s fallen in love with her radio operator!
First Cat-Woman: Is that true?
Second Cat-Woman: What if it is?
First Cat-Woman: Lambda, there is no room in your life for love! We will choose your man eugenically! You and Beta will have girl children fit to carry on! The best of the Earth mongrels will be none too good!

Commander: We were just talking shop. Anything wrong with that?
Co-pilot: No, not a thing – except that the Cat-Women are planning to steal our ship, and Helen’s tied body and soul to them!
Navigator: That’s a lie!
Commander: I resent that, Kip! What’s your evidence?
Co-pilot: Well, for one thing, Doug got the dope from little Lambda. For another, Helen told me herself. We were out on the terrace, and she told me to hold her tight. Not to kiss her; just to hold her ha--- [Light dawns; he grabs her hand]
Let go of my hand!!
Co-pilot: Not this time, baby!
Navigator [collapsing against him and moaning]: Oh….thank you, Kip!
Co-pilot: Now – let’s set the record straight: are you in love with Laird?
Navigator: No!
Co-pilot: And were you bleeding him for information to pass onto Alpha?
Navigator: Yes!
Co-pilot: And who – who do you really love?
Navigator: YOU!! [They kiss passionately]

from Amphibian Man (1961)

Theme song:

Far below, deep below, here we go-go
Let’s drink a drink or two or three or four
Beneath the foam, make yourself at home
Where you can’t be found

Sailorman, I’ll tell you on the level
You have strayed too far for far too long
In my heart, there’s only the Sea-Devil
He’s the one for me

Sails out, anchor up, we’re out in force
Now’s the time to cha-cha-chart the course
Sea-Devil, we come with a keg of rum
You’d better not hold out

Sailorman, I’ll tell you on the level
You have strayed too far for far too long
In my heart, there’s only the Sea-Devil
He’s the one for me-ee-ee!!

from Chopper Chicks In Zombietown (1989)

Gang leader: You’re the Sluts! Try and act like it!

Mad mortician: "Bring back the dead? You’re mad!" they said - and mind you, this is the United States government!

Mad mortician: I’ll tell you a secret. I didn’t do it for science. And I didn’t do it for glory. I’M JUST MEAN!!

Distressed son: Ah, jeez, Dad. Look, maybe if you don’t eat anyone, nobody’ll notice.

from El Conde Dracula (1970)

Patient: But what of – Count Dracula? I escaped from his castle but he followed me with the others, disguised as bats – giant bats! With great teeth, waiting for my blood…. The bats were real! As big as men!! Why don’t you believe me!!??

Doctor: Ah, good morning, my dear. You have become not only a nurse, but a servant! I shall miss you when you go back to London.
[Flattery will get you everywhere….]

from Crack in the World (1965)

First scientist: It’s the Commission. They’re acting up.
Second scientist: Is Rampion’s theory bothering them?
First scientist: No, it’s the budget that bothers them. I could blow up the whole world with their blessing - if I did it cheaply enough.
[Ain’t it the truth....]

Scientist: It’s following a geological flaw in the earth’s crust known as the Masado fault. That runs from here, to the tip of India, then veers across towards Indonesia, then terminates off the Australian continental shelf.
[Whoo hoo! I love living in the middle of a lithospheric plate!]

Layperson: What if the crack keeps going - right around the world? What happens then?
Scientist: Where the land masses split the oceans will be sucked in, and the colossal pressure generated by the steam will rip the earth apart - and destroy it.
Layperson: You mean - the world will come to an end!?
Scientist: The world as we know it, yes. As a cloud of astral dust, it will continue to move within the solar system.
[That’s what’s known as "scientific consolation"....]

from The Creeper (1948)

Good scientist: You may be right, Jim. Logically right. But morally in my catalogue of values man comes first. Without man, there wouldn’t even be a science!
Evil scientist: The trouble with you is, you’re not a scientist! You’re a philosopher. In our world, there’s no room for philosophers!
Good scientist: That’s precisely what’s wrong. There’s no place for the philosopher – the man whose sole function it is, just to think. How wonderful to have nothing to do but – just to think…!

Good scientist: Let’s publish what we’ve learned and let it go at that.
Evil scientist: Don’t tell me you can open the door to a great discovery – actually stand on the threshold – and not go any further!
Good scientist: Jim, please! Granted, we’re the only men to introduce phosphorescence into living cell tissue. Nevertheless, it hasn’t been the great boon to surgery we’d expected.
Evil scientist: Well, there’s something bigger than that! Can’t you see it?
Good scientist: I see it all too clearly. It is big. Too big! We can’t control it! We’d be releasing energies that would result only in mutations, monstrosities, and death!

Male scientist: [Introducing his lab mice] Come over here and meet my favourite characters! See the fat one? That’s Gertrude. She’s a wonderful mother. That skinny one’s Ophelia. She has a suicide complex, poor thing. That chap who’s looking at you so brazenly, he’s a regular old rip! See the plump one? That’s Sandra. She’s a cute little--- [He is interrupted by the sound of breaking glass] Where’d she go?
Female scientist: It’s nothing, John.
Male scientist: What do you mean, nothing? People don’t just drop glasses and run out of offices! Or maybe it’s me. Do you think I have five o’clock shadow?

Concerned father: You know, honey, what you need is a nice, long vacation, away from theories, and test-tubes, and guinea-pig cats….

First scientist: [Picking up cat] Here he is!
Second scientist: Where do you suppose he was?
First scientist: Probably at the end of the hallway. He loves those little guinea-pigs. But they’re bad for him, so full of flu germs….

Native: My wife! My wife, doctor, she’s dead! Yesterday, she was fine, she was happy, but tonight she turned very white and swift she died!

Female scientist: Of course, I wouldn’t feel qualified, but – if I did hazard a diagnosis, I should say that there were definite symptoms of schizophrenia. Tell me, Nora, don’t you ever find yourself awakening from some horribly realistic dream, in which you were another person? Perhaps not even another person; an animal; a – a cat? And don’t you ever feel, on awakening, that it wasn’t a dream, but true? That you are two separate beings, one the Nora we know, and the other---
[I’m glad she doesn’t feel qualified!]

Female scientist: He’s dead?
Male scientist: Why does this always happen to me!

Female scientist: How about taking in a movie and dinner?
Male scientist: All right, Gwenn. What time?
Female scientist: You don’t want to go.
Male scientist: I didn’t say I didn’t want to go.
Female scientist: You don’t sound very enthusiastic!
Male scientist: Please don’t try to be difficult.
Female scientist: You’d rather see her, is that it?
Male scientist: Please, Gwenn! I’ll pick you up in half an hour.
Female scientist: Don’t’t bother! You mean to much to me to be a burden to you.
Male scientist: I’ll see you tomorrow. Maybe you’ll be in a better mood.
Female scientist: I’ll be working tomorrow. And I’ll be working day after tomorrow! From now on, I’ll always be working! That’s all I’m good for anyway, work, work, work! I might as well resign myself to it!
[There’s a reason female scientists don’t date much….]