And You Call Yourself a Scientist!
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from Dinosaurus (1960)

Crook: We’re gunna be rich, boys. You hear that, Chica?
Local girl: I heard, Hacker.
Crook: You don’t sound too happy about it.
Local girl: Should I be?
Crook: Why, sure! You’re my little tamale, aren’t you?

Local girl: Senor Bart, when I was a little girl in another country, there was a revolution. My father taught me how to make bombs out of bottles and gasoline. We use some, no?
Engineer: We use some, yes!

Crook: Jasper, your intelligence never ceases to amaze me. I didn’t know you were an anthropologist.
Goon: Not a very good one, boss. I mean, I haven’t been to church in years.

Kid: Remember, you’re the friendly vegetarian, like it says on the cereal packet. Hey, you are friendly! We are going to be friends, you and me. That’s the bad tyrannosaurus! You better run and find a swamp to hide in, where he won’t follow you, ‘cause if he catches us, he’ll eat us both of us up. He’ll like you better than me, ‘cause you’re bigger, and I don’t want him to eat you. Run! I know you don’t know which way to run, and I wish I could tell you, but you see I’m just a boy, and I’m lost, ‘cause I don’t go out at night by myself and I don’t know where the swamps are….(And so on…and on…and on…)

Abducted woman: Now, now. Nice caveman. You just sit there and I’ll fix things in the kitchen. Now, let’s see. What does a caveman do after a hard day in the jungle?No, don’t tell me. Let me think of something on my own. Like sitting down. And we’ll keep all the thoughts out of our romantic little Neanderthal mind. Okay? Let’s see. Maybe if I sing to you a song, you’ll fall asleep, and I can run away from you, hmm?
"Lullaby, and goodnight
Go to sleep little caveman…."

from Earth Versus The Flying Saucers (1956)

Scientist: General, we saw a strange thing this afternoon. We saw what appeared to be a flying saucer.
Military man: A flying saucer!?
Scientist’s wife: It nearly ran us off the road.
Military man: You’re sure of that?
Scientist: Both Carol and I are subject to the same atmospheric disturbances that may have affected other observers, but there is a quantitative difference, when you’re a scientist.

Scientist: What do you want with me?
Alien: Arrange for your world leaders to confer with us in the city of Washington D.C.
Scientist: They may not listen! I’m only a scientist!

Scientist: Then it’s been decided that we’ll fight?
Military man: When an armed and threatening power lands uninvited in our capital, we don’t meet it with tea and cookies!

Unnecessary advice #1: Fire at saucer until it crashes!
Unnecessary advice #2: Keep firing at saucer!

from The Eye Creatures (1965)

Waitress: The boys were just kidding about seeing a space ship, Lieutenant.
Air force officer: Everyone knows there are no such things! How many times do we have to deny it before people will believe us?

Cop: Did you ever hear of such a cock-and-bull story? Spacemen, space ships--
Doctor: In my day we were content with pink elephants, but kids these days--
Cop: And tough! The gal says to me, "You don’t call him human, do you?" What do you think about that!
Doctor: Well, what can you expect with all these bad books being written nowadays?

Astute teenager: You know something? Those things, whatever they are-- They’re smarter than all of us put together.

from Food of the Gods II (1988)

Mean scientist: Deadline? You’ve been working for years to produce – produce – that only Lilliputians would appreciate! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. The flowers are lovely.

Genius at work: Lock up….c’mon, catalyse….carboxyls….same molecular structure, beautiful!….now, get in here, tri-nitro, c’mon!….give me a DNA match!….smaller chains….that’s it! That’s it! I think I’ve got it!

from Friday the 13th (1980)

Girl: [Talking to dog] Hi, girl! Excuse me - hi, boy! You speak English? How far is it to Camp Crystal Lake? [Dog whines] That far, huh? Okey-dokey! See you later!
["Not if I see you first...."]

Girl: Excuse me - how far is it to Camp Crystal Lake?
[Everyone looks at her in horror]
[After an ominous silence] What is it, Enis, about twenty miles?
Truck driver: About that.
Local woman: Camp Blood? They’re opening that place again?
[I think that’s what’s called "subtle foreshadowing"....]

Kid #1: Hey, nice bike!
Cop: What you been smokin’, boy?
Kid #1: Smoking? Don’t smoke. Causes cancer.
Cop: You know what I mean! What, did you just get off a spaceship or somethin’? Columbian Gold, man! Grass. Hash. The weed. Dig it?
Kid #2: Hey, what’s he talking about?
Cop: Hey, don’t get smart!
Kid #2: Me? I’m as dumb as they come!

Local loony: I’m a messenger of God! You’re doomed if you stay here! This place is cursed! Cursed! It’s got a death curse!
Kid #1: Who are you? What do you want?
Local loony: God sent me.
Kid #2: Get outta here, man!
Local loony: I got to warn ya! You’re doomed if you stay here! Go! Go!
[Hey! More subtle foreshadowing!]

from Gasu Ningen Daiichigo (The Human Vapor) (1960)

Anti-hero: Do you remember Dr Sano?
Reporter: Yes. The eminent biologist. I knew him very well.
Anti-hero: He died last year.
Reporter: Yes, I remember.
Anti-hero: Destroyed by his own creative power…. [Flashback] It all began one day at the library, that bottomless pit into which I had fallen. I, who was born to touch the stars! – condemned to this purgatory, all because of a few shadows on an x-ray – and the stars forever beyond my reach….

Boss: Hey, someone’s outside to talk to you!
Anti-hero: Oh? Oh, thank you very much, sir.
Boss: And tell him no callers during business hours! Insist on it!
Anti-hero: Yes, sir….

I had no idea who awaited me outside. My only friend was still in a sanitarium…. It was not a very prepossessing man who got out of his car as I approached. [Reading business card] ‘Dr Sano. Professor, Medical Department, Jehuko University. Advisor to the Japanese Space Association’. But what could this great man of science want of a humble librarian? He said, "You’re wasting your life, you know, and your talents, if you keep hiding out in that library…."

Apologist: He was a very great scientist!
Victim: Hmph! So I have been told! Pardon me if I regard that man as an inhuman monster!

from The Giant Claw (1957)

Narrator: An electronics engineer. A radar officer. A mathematician and systems analyst. A radar operator. A couple of plotters. People doing a job; well; efficiently. Serious. Having fun. Doing a job. Situation: normal. For the moment....

Pilot #1: This is Easy Baker Squadron Leader. Target below and to the side. See it?
Pilot #2: Ye-ow! Holy Toledo! I’ve seen some mighty big chicken-hawks back on the farm, but man, this baby takes the cake! Honest to Pete, I’ll never call my mother-in-law an old crow again!

Pilot: Easy Baker Squadron Leader. Charlie hit the silk when the bird got his plane, and now Charlie’s gone - ‘chute and all!

Scientist: Here is part of the wreckage. Examination by a staff of scientists has told us the whole, incredible story!
[A "staff" of scientists? I thought the collective term was an "obsession"!]

Scientist: That bird is extra-terrestrial! It comes from outer space - from some God-forsaken anti-matter galaxy millions and millions of light years from the Earth. No other explanation is possible.

General: Three men reported they saw something - and two of them are dead.
Hero: That makes me chief cook and bottle-washer in a one-man bird watchers’ society!

Narrator: No corner of the Earth was spared the terror of looking up into God’s blue sky and seeing, not peace and security, but the feathered nightmare on wings!

Heroine: Will it work, Mitch?
Hero: I don’t know. I honestly haven’t the faintest, foggiest idea. It’s one of those cockeyed concepts that you pull down out of Cloud Eight somewhere in sheer desperation!

Heroine: [explaining why she’s so good with a gun] I’m from Montana!
[Several really tasteless jokes considered and abandoned....]

Hero: The explosion was no accident! I did it on purpose! I used the mesic atom projector!
Scientist: What!
Hero: Sure! We had the basic wiring all fouled up. It was a simple matter of adjusting the polarity on the main condensor terminals!
[Then, of course, there’s this - which someone got paid for writing, remember:]

Narrator: There was no mistaking the urgency in MacAfee’s voice. Something - he didn’t know what - but something as big as a battleship had just flown over and passed him.

Hero: Look, Major, I’m sorry about the pilot, but that was no false alarm---
Heroine: Oh, come off it, Mitch! You’ve done enough harm with your flying battleship!

Heroine: What happened? It felt like something collided with us up there!
Hero: Yeah - a flying battleship that wasn’t there!

Cop: We’ve got orders to seal off the area - real hush-hush! What happened? D’you tangle with a flying saucer or something?
Heroine: Oh, nothing so domestic as a flying saucer, officer! Just a flying battleship!
Cop: [preparing to leave] Well, have a good time with your flying battleship!

Hero: Uh-oh. Feel another snakebite coming on. More medicine!
Heroine: Well, flying battleship, pink elephant, same difference. You really should try buttermilk instead.
Hero: I said it looked like a battleship, not that it was a battleship---

Heroine: Something that seemingly destroyed four planes - and barely missed you the first time. Something like - your flying battleship?

Narrator: Once again a frantic pilot radios in a report on a UFO. A bird. A bird as big as a battleship!

Heroine: Did the pilots report anything?
General: Not a word from the pilot of the private plane but the CAB pilot reported a UFO.
Heroine: Did he say what it was?
General: Yes. A bird. A bird as big as a battleship!

Doomed pilot: It doesn’t make sense! Like - like we’re hitting a battleship with a slingshot!
[Why not invite your friends around and play - The Giant Claw Drinking Game!]

from Gorath (1962)

First woman: Tatsuo hasn’t changed!
Second woman: You know, I loved him – once….
First woman: Well, he’s still in love with you. It’s really obvious. A space pilot!
Second woman: A pilot’s just a glorified chauffeur. I’ve got myself a scientist!
[Lord, how I love Japanese science fiction films…!]

Politician #1: Well, Sonoda’s a hero!
Politician #2: Yes, you’re right, he is a hero – and our administration’s in trouble!
Politician #3: Yes, it most certainly is! All outer space to move around in and he has to hit a sun that’s 6,000 times bigger than the Earth!
Minister Of Science: It’s smaller than the Earth! Smaller, but 6,000 times as heavy!
Politician #3: [blankly] Oh…?
Politician #2: [even more blankly] Well, perhaps the report will explain that to us….

from The Green Slime (1969)

Immortal lyrics:

Open the door, you'll find it's easy
To find the answer is too cheesy*
You'll believe it when you find
Something screaming 'cross your mind
What can it be, what is the reason?
Is this the end to all the seasons?
Is this just something in your head?
Will you believe it when you're dead?
[*Okay, I know these can't actually be the lyrics, but it sure does sound like it!]

* I found the REAL lyrics! (although I like mine better). Click here.