And You Call Yourself a Scientist!
Home | Index

from The Headless Ghost (1959)

Aristocratic ghost:  He was beheaded for trying to lead an insurrection against Henry VII.
American student:  You mean – they chopped his head off?

First American student:  You know what the psychologists say: under the stress of emotional agitation, you see things! Hear things! It’s real to you, but they only exist in your mind.
Second American student:  You mean – we just think we had a conversation with the 4th Earl?
First American student:  Could be!
Second American student:  How about my broken camera?
First American student:  Oh, the electricity from your own agitated body! Under tension, we can generate enough voltage to break down a wall, let alone a camera. Don’t forget – I’m majoring in science!

American student:  Every time you open that big mouth of yours, you – science major! – you’re wrong! You’re always wrong!

from The Howling III: The Marsupials (1987)

Film director:  You know, this movie is about pop culture. In the sixties, Andy Warhol showed us how pop could be high art. In fact, everything is high art. That's what this is all about. For example, in your first scene you'll be gang raped by four monsters.

US President:  Any sign of Beckmeyer yet?
Scientist:  No, sir. I think he fell in love - with the Russian werewolf.
US President:  Was it - female?
Scientist:  Yes.
US President:  Well - thank Christ for that!

from Humanoids From the Deep (1996)

Apologetic scientist: They took five death row inmates and injected them with a genetic code of sorts, taken from different species of fish, primarily salmon. It essentially fuses with genetic material already existing.
Disbelieving listener: Fish-men!?
Apologetic scientist: You could say that. The goal was to create an amphibious soldier, but - something went wrong....
(You astonish me)

from Incense For The Damned (1970)

Diplomat: Are you telling me that a girl sucking the blood from a man’s neck could induce an orgasm!?
Expert: Yes, of course! Now, come, come, Tony, don’t be naïve. Man works and loves in many ways. Some men, for instance, get excitement only from statues – the "Pygmalion Syndrome". Other men can only make love in coffins. You have voyeurs, transvestites, narcissists, bestialists--- Ah, it’s a funny old world we live in!

from It Conquered the World (1956)

Scientist’s wife:  Oh, look! Can’t you two talk about anything else? I’m getting tired of hearing about nothing but satellites, isotopes, conical graduations, and the rest!

First scientist:  All right, let’s assume you’re right. A superior intelligence has come from Venus – in my satellite! – established residency, turned off the world’s power, and is about to take over the world’s population--- Why aren’t you fighting it?
Second scientist:  Because this superior intelligence happens to be a personal friend of mine!

Scientist’s wife:  I hope you haven’t made a permanent enemy of Paul. You were really rough on him tonight.
Scientist:  It’s no longer possible for me to make an enemy, darling! The word ‘enemy’ is about to disappear from the human language!
Scientist’s wife:  How about the word ‘tact’?

Newspaperman:  I helped found this town! My newspaper got you your job for you, remember?
Possessed police chief:  No need for papers now. They’re nothing but ideas and notions! Useless!

A scientist’s epitaph:  He learned almost too late that Man is a feeling creature – and because of it, the greatest in the universe! He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, make their own mistakes. There can’t be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection, they find only – death – fire – loss – disillusionment – and the end of everything that’s gone forward. Men have always sought an end to toil and misery – but it can’t be given – it has to be achieved! There is hope, but it has to come from inside – from Man himself!

from I Was a Teenage Werewolf (1957)

Cop: This Dr Brandon – he’s modern! He uses hypnosis!

Father: There’re a couple of lamb chops in the icebox. I seasoned ‘em the way you like. Just set ‘em in the pan.
Son: Dad, I know how to cook a chop.
Father: And be sure you cook ‘em! Don’t eat ‘em raw like you did the hamburger!

Mad doctor: Hugo, prepare the scopolamine!

Mad doctor: At last, after years of searching, I’ve found a suitable person for my experiment! His record at school, what the principal told me, and what I learned through Dt-Sgt Donovan gives him the proper disturbed emotional background. And with what I found out from the physical examination, this boy’s my perfect subject! There were certain tell-tale marks on his body only I would recognise---
Assistant: But you know what might happen!
Mad doctor: ‘Might’? In science, one must be sure!

Mad doctor: Through hypnosis, I’m going to regress this boy back – back into the primitive past that lurks within him! I’m going to transform him, and unleash the savage instincts that lie hidden within!
Assistant: And then?
Mad doctor: Then I’ll be judged a benefactor!

Mad doctor: Mankind is on the brink of destroying itself! The only hope for the human race is to hurl it back to its primitive dawn, to start all over again. What’s one life compared to such a triumph?

Janitor: I know what killed him. He was killed by – by a werewolf!
Cop: A what?
In the old country, in my little village in the Carpathian mountains, there was a story….

Assistant: Alfred, you read the paper! You know what happened!
Mad doctor: There’s a difference between a newspaper story and a scientific report!
Assistant: Aren’t you wasting your time? Or do you have a second victim in view?
Mad doctor: I’m not wasting my time, and I don’t like to hear the subject of a world-shaking experiment referred to as a ‘victim’!

Mad doctor: We’ll have it all on film, from the time I give him the injection through the transformation! And then no-one will doubt my word! Even the most exacting, themost sceptical of scientists will be convinced that I have penetrated the deepest secrets of creation!

from Jesse James meets Frankenstein's Daughter (1966)

Female mad scientist: What a fool I’ve been! I’ve allowed the duo-thermal impulsator to be attached only to the body! Let’s see what Grandfather’s notation says.... You see? The duo-thermal impulsator must also be attached to a living brain, to transmit living vibrations to the artificial brain!
Male mad scientist: But such a powerful electric impulse might prove fatal to the brain of a living person!
Female mad scientist: That chance I am willing to take!

Female mad scientist: It’s because we’ve been forced to use the brains of children that we’ve failed. What we need is a man - a powerful man - a giant! Then we will succeed!
Male mad scientist: But what - what good will it do to succeed?
Female mad scientist: Imagine! We’ll have someone to do our bidding who can’t be put to death! Just as we have given it life, only we can take its life away!

Male mad scientist: Maria, we’ve already caused the deaths of three children, and violated the graves of others, just to make the experiments!
Female mad scientist: My, you’re a humanitarian! You should have stayed in Europe and given pink pills to sweet old ladies!

Female mad scientist: This is the last artificial brain Grandfather Frankenstein made. The secret of how to make them died with him. If I fail in this last attempt, I too am willing to die!
Male mad scientist: Is it so terrible to fail?
Female mad scientist: You’re a fool, Rudolph! We hold the secret of life in our hands!
Male mad scientist: Maria, Maria! This has already cost Grandfather his life! And Father---
Female mad scientist: Father was a weakling! He dared not try the experiments - only on paper! You know, Rudolph, sometimes I think you remind me of Father....

Male mad scientist: What are you going to do next? There is no-one else left to experiment on!

Outlaw #1: I can’t hardly believe that the famous ‘Wild Bunch’ is down to three men!
Outlaw #2: I don’t think the James boys are doing much better!

Female mad scientist: Rrrudolph - the laborrratory!

Male mad scientist: This wound is bad - it festers!
Female mad scientist: It is not important. He is as strong as a giant! What a brute he’ll make!

Female mad scientist: Perhaps you are wondering why we live in this old abandoned mission? The answer is quite simple. My brother and I came here from Europe. We are scientists - perhaps ahead of our time. Our experiments were not always understood - or appreciated - in our own country....

Male mad scientist: Maria, please stop these terrible experiments! We’ll have another death on our conscience!
Female mad scientist: Don’t be an imbecile! If I turned him over to the marshall he’d be hanged anyway! So what has he got to lose?

Female mad scientist: It’s lonesome out here, and very difficult for us. We do not know how to cope with this wild country. Stay here. We need you. I need you. I’m on the verge of a great experiment, and I know I will succeed this time! I will build an empire here! I want you to share in everything - my experiments, my life....
Outlaw: How can I help you?
Female mad scientist: Rudolph is weak. I need you. I need your strength....
[She kisses him; he pulls away]
Outlaw: We leave as soon as Hank is well enough to travel.
Female mad scientist: I’m sorry I made a fool of myself! Goodnight, Mr - Howard!

Female mad scientist: You’re to tell him it’s a prescription for Hank. That he’s taken a turn for the worse, and that we need this prescription to be filled.
Male mad scientist: But Hank is doing well! And Juanita knows it, and she sees Jesse all the time - especially at night.
Female mad scientist: So, you’ve been snooping around as usual! Well, then, you know! To think this - outlaw - with a price on his head, refused me for that girl! Yes, I’ve seen them together too....
Male mad scientist: So what are you going to do, Maria? Nothing foolish, I hope?

Female mad scientist: It’s a note to Jenson, the druggist in Shelby, telling him that the beaer is Jesse James, the outlaw with a price on his head!
Male mad scientist: No, you mustn’t! You mustn’t!
Female mad scientist: Mustn’t I? Why not? I would have turned him in before, only---
Male mad scientist: Only you wanted him for yourself! Why, you’re jealous! You’re human after all! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Male mad scientist: What you are going to do is insane!
Female mad scientist: We shall soon see which one of us is insane!

Male mad scientist: Maria, this isn't the same as experimenting on one of the village children! Jesse James will kill us!
[My, you're a humanitarian!]

Female mad scientist: That dog! He always senses when you operate!

Male mad scientist: Don’t do it, Maria! You are going too far! No-one should tamper with the laws of God!

Female mad scientist: You are no longer Hank Tracy! You are now - Igor! Do you understand? Igor! That is how you will be known! I am Maria Frankenstein! As I think, you will think! We are one! I will command, you will obey! You will live as long as I will it! You will die when I command it! Remember, you are always under my control! You are now Igor! I command you to arise! Igor! I am Maria Frankenstein! I created you! I created you! I command you to get up! Get up, Igor!

Female mad scientist: Igor, save me! Igor, save me! Igor, save me! [Igor sits up] Look! He’s alive! He’s alive!

Male mad scientist: Maria! Save me!
Female mad scientist: You killed the others with this, to keep me from succeeding with my experiments!
Male mad scientist: You have been flaunting God’s will! Help!

Druggist: I don’t want to get mixed up in any gunplay! Especially not in my store! I’m a married man!

Female mad scientist: Save your strength, Jesse James! You will need it. Yes, I knew who you were from the very first. You see, we have something in common - we are both outside the law. That’s why I offered you a chance to join me. But you chose to refuse me! You, an outlaw, refusing me, Maria Frankenstein! Granddaughter of the Count! I will use you in my next experiment! You see, Jesse James? I have won after all!

from Journey To The Seventh Planet (1962)

Narrator: The year is 2001. Life has changed now. Planet Earth is no longer wracked by war and the threat of annihiliation. Man has learned to live with himself. The United Nations is the sole governing body of the world, and the great hunger now is for knowledge.

First astronaut: Why don’t you find one girl and settle down?
Second astronaut: You and your wife can make a career of it. Me? I’m like the Commander.
Space is my vocation. Women? That’s my avocation!

Young astronaut: Well, in Germany, where I lived, there was a girl. Ursula…. But I never got to know her very well.
Experienced astronaut: Maybe when we get back I can fix you up. There was a girl – Lise. Hey, she was German, too! A UN biological expert. Boy, was she biological! I wish I could have taught her my kind of biology!

First astronaut: It’s not only our fears and weaknesses. It’s also our greatest desires.
Second astronaut: You’re right, Barry. Our minds are being probed, like mice.
[I beg your pardon!!??]

First astronaut: Let him bleed!
Second astronaut: What did you say?
First astronaut: Let him bleed! Remember the temperature here. The blood will freeze instantly and seal the tear!
[Try that one on your Physics teacher]

Theme song
Come to me
Let your dreams become reality
I wait for you
Somewhere on the seventh planet
Out in space
You and I will
Find a magic place
Like lovers do
And while we’re
Up above
We’ll touch the stars
That we have wished upon
There our love will take wing
And go on and on
Journey to the seventh planet
In your heart
Let a spark of love begin
To start
For us to share
Seventh planet, seventh heaven
If you learn to care
Our love will be beyond