And You Call Yourself a Scientist!
Home | Index

from K-9000 (1991)

Head terrorist: My sources tell me that the man at Danny’s apartment was a cop, Eddie Monroe. Find out how much he knows and who he shared it with.
Goon: And then?
Head terrorist: Oh, I don’t know, make him a nice salad! What do you think?

Female scientist: You got the implant! How?
Male cop: Well, I’m not very good with machines. Felt just like I got kicked in the head by a mule…. [She starts to cry] Hey, easy! It’s not your…. It doesn’t really hurt now, honest! Look, Aja, you’re sweet, and easy on the eyes, but I don’t need your pity, all right?
Female scientist: My pity! You self-centred egomaniac! You think it’s you I’m crying for? It’s Niner I’m upset about! We were going to find him a human partner of impeccable character and breeding---
Male cop: Breeding?
Female scientist: Yes, breeding! Someone he could learn from – admire – compliment! Now God knows what he’s already picked up from you!
Male cop: I’ll tell you what he’s picked up from me! He knows the difference between his tail and a place to hide a bone!

from King Kong (1976)

Heroine: I’m Dwan. D-W-A-N, Dwan. That’s my name. You know? – like Dawn, except I – except I switched two letters. You know, to make it more memorable.

Heroine: Oh, my God! What a meaningful miracle! Do you realise I owe my life to a movie?
Evil executive: Is that so?
Heroine: I swear to God! You see, Harry was showing this film that I refused to watch. And that’s why I was up on deck by myself when the yacht exploded. Did you ever meet anyone before whose life was saved by Deep Throat?

Heroine: Well, you goddamn chauvinist pig ape! What are you waiting for? You wanna eat me? [She pounds on the ape’s upper lip] Then go ahead! Do it! Go ahead and eat me! Go ahead! Choke on me! [Pause] Oh, I didn’t mean that – honest I didn’t! Sometimes I get too physical. It’s a sign of insecurity, you know? Like when you knock down trees. Nice ape. Nice, sweet, nice, sweet, sweet monkey. You know, we're going to be great friends. I’m a Libra. What sign are you? No, I know, don’t tell me: I bet you’re an Aries, aren’t you? Of course you are. I just know it. That’s just wonderful….

Hero: I love you. Come with me right now. Come on – to hell with the contract.
Evil executive: Go ahead. Except I promise you you’ll never get another booking in your life. You’ll end up tap-dancing at Rotary clubs.

from King Kong vs Godzilla (1963)

Crewman: Captain, the power stack engine's badly damaged - engine room reports repair is impossible!
Captain: Oh, great.

Woman: I thought you were dead!
Man: Dead? Do I look dead to you?
Woman: Your airplane, it crashed!
Man: Oh, I missed it. The boss kept me working.

from The Lost Empire (1983)

Doctor: [leaning over his patient] I have no idea why this man is still alive!

Female criminal: What is this, Wolfe? You’re the one who put me in this dump!
Female cop: Bullshit! You’re the one who put you in this dump! You’re the one that stole the crane from the construction site, and you’re the one that picked up a two-car garage with the stolen crane and dropped it on the police station! All I did was arrest you.
Female criminal: One little mistake - !

from The Lost World (1960)

First scientist: You must forgive us, Professor, but did you say ‘dinosaurs’?
Second scientist: Your hearing is excellent.
First scientist: Were they – big dinosaurs, Professor?
Second scientist: I do not deal in small dinosaurs!

Scientist: There’ll be no women on my expedition!

Titled explorer: No fire monster’s big enough to deprive you of a wedding present. Besides, ‘Mrs’ is still the best title for a girl.

from Macabra (1981)

Broke businessman: Do you realise all the money I borrowed? I feel like some fool who takes all his grandmother's money and goes to Las Vegas and loses it all.
(What an imaginative simile!)

Possessed victim: Either you cut my hand off or I'll kill you.

Helpful medical advice: This is going to be very painful, because it cauterises as it cuts.

from Mind Ripper (1995)

Creation: You fed me soup.
Scientist: Chicken noodle.
Creation: You read to me.
Scientist: The ‘Hardy Boys’.
Creation: Yes. I liked them....

from Monster From the Ocean Floor (1954)

Scientist:  Did you know that over 70% of the earth’s surface is covered with water? Why, the Pacific alone here has an area of over 73 million square miles! The Atlantic--- Oh, I’m sorry! There I go, making noises like a biologist again!

Scientist: Those tiny active particles are various forms of protozoa, for their size the most deadly in the world. It’s lucky for us they never grow any bigger than this!

First scientist:  Some pretty good-sized fish stray into that cove. My guess is, she snagged onto an irate stingray. Hmm…. Doesn’t look like the flesh of a stingray….
Second scientist:  Or any other fish I’ve ever seen!

First scientist:  I’ve got an idea: let’s see what some of this canned meat will do to this stuff…. Why – it’s disintegrating!
Second scientist:  Intercellular absorption!

First scientist:  Why, it’s assimilating the meat! Organic life of some kind….but – but what?
Second scientist:  It could be an amoeba, but I’ve only seen it in the most minute size.

First scientist:  What could cause it to grow out of proportion this way?
Second scientist:  It could be one of many things. A freak accident. Dietary supplements. It even could be caused by – the radiation from the Bikini explosion….

First scientist:  It could absorb a man!
Second scientist:  Or – a woman…!

from On The Beach (1959)

Scientist: Do you really want to know who I think started the war?
Sailor: Yeah!
Scientist: Why?
Sailor: Well - you’re an egghead, aren’t you?

Party guest [to American naval officer]: My second husband was an American. We travelled all over the world, and everywhere we went, he would say to people, "I am an American! I am an American!" They finally shot him in one of those Eastern countries....

from Orca (1977)

Biologist: So, you refuse to quit?
Fisherman: That’s not my style either. Especially when a pretty and intelligent girl like you tells me that I’m dumber than a fish.
[Actually, "dumber than a box of rocks" was the expression that came to my mind….]

Biologist: Forget what I said. I thought you were an insensitive boor and I exaggerated to make a point. I was wrong. You’re a sensitive boor.

Theme song: I will bring the sun through darkened clouds
And I will make with you [sic.?] rainbows for your eyes
Rainbows for your eyes
Now, my love, we are one
We are one
We are one, cried my love
Let me lead you where the moonlit waters fall
Shadows softly call
My love, we are one
We are one
We are one, cried my love
Let me lead you where the stillness of the night
Delivered dawn’s first light
My love, we are one
We are one
We are one
We are one
[And if anyone can explain what any of this has to do with anything, I’d be very grateful]

from La Orgia de Los Muertos (Orgy of the Dead) (1972)

Policeman: It doesn’t look good for you! Your statements about zombies don’t hold water!

Mad doctor: Kill you myself? No. I have my zombies for this. Incredible, isn’t it?
Hero: But how can you do this?
Mad doctor: I’ve put inside their brains a small capsule which maintains the life of certain senses. They can move their limbs and hear. I haven’t yet been able to make them see or speak, but I will with time.
Hero: Why do they obey you?
Mad doctor: Their brain capsules receive impulses from my brain.
Hero: Hypnotism of the dead!?
Mad doctor: Why not? If you can with the living who have a will, why not with the dead?
Hero: What do you intend to do?
Mad doctor: Nothing. My goals are purely scientific. That’s why I killed Mihaly. He was a megalomaniac and wanted to form an army. Can you imagine what an army like that would be? – insensible to pain, without material wants or emotions, and blind obedience?
Hero: Why did you kill the others?
Mad doctor: I assure you I’m the first to regret it, but things became very complicated….