TWO LOST WORLDS (1950)

Director: Norman Dawn

Starring: James Arness, Laura Elliot, Bill Kennedy, Gloria Petroff, Tom Hubbard, Tom Monroe, Jane Harlan, Pierre Watkin, Tim Graham, Fred Kohler Jr, Robert Carson

Screenplay: Tom Hubbard, Phyllis Parker and Bill Shaw

Synopsis: Okay, so I made a mistake. It happens. Ask any of the B-Masters. You pick a film based on its title, or its cover art, and then when it’s too late, you discover that the damn thing isn’t anything like what you expected it to be like. I’ll be honest, I’d never even heard of Two Lost Worlds. I just picked up the DVD because (i) it was cheap; and (ii) the cover promised me it was about "PREHISTORIC TIME’S MOST AWESOME SPECTACLE….AS MADDENED MASTODONS WAGE WARFARE TO THE DEATH!" – not to mention "dangerous dinosaurs, maddened mastodons, giant sloths, poisonous lizards and venom-spewing vultures". So how was I to know it was a crappy little film about pirates!? Unfortunately, the weekend was slipping away by the time I made this rather disheartening discovery, so I decided to carry on regardless. Chalk it up to experience.

On the other hand, imagine my surprise and delight when I discovered that Two Lost Worlds is actually a searing exposé of a mysteriously little-known period of Australian history, when "sheep ranchers" in far north Queensland found themselves at the mercy of desperate bands of marauding pirates – and American pirates, at that. Our story proper, however, opens in Salem, Massachusetts, in 1830, as the clipper Hamilton Queen leaves on its fateful journey. As the Queen sets out, our narrator tells us that she carries "the American dream of destiny" – whoa! Some ship, hey? By the way, it is to be hoped that any prospective viewer of Two Lost Worlds likes listening to great chunks of voice-over narration, as the dulcet tones of Mr Don Riss will be our constant companions for the next hour or so. At this point, Mr Riss chooses to laud men like "young Kirk Hamilton" (played by "Jim Aurness") who "ignore the dangers" and "see only the dream". Kirk, we learn, was the designer of the Hamilton Queen, and the voyage to and from "the Indies" is to prove the superiority of his ship – and, incidentally, to keep his father, who has "every penny" tied up in his son’s enterprise, from going bust. Looking for ways of saving time, Kirk proposes a shortcut through "the New Hebrides" – i.e. Vanuatu. Captain Tallman is hesitant, as the area is known for its pirate activity (!), but finally agrees that it is worth the risk.

At this point, there is a slight pause in the action as the Captain discovers that his cigars have been stolen. We are then introduced to someone called "Salty", who – ooh, look! – is smoking a cigar. If you have intuited that we have just encountered this film’s Odious Comedy Relief, give yourself two points. As Salty serves coffee, the Captain mentions casually that he is missing some cigars which (chuckle, chuckle) were poisoned. Salty is, of course, immediately overcome by illness, and must dash from the cabin.

But enough of this riotous comedy! For danger lurks just across the waves, where the leader of a band of pirates is telling his men to "raise the American flag!" Dastard! (An interjection: as far as I can determine, the New Hebrides were not "known for their pirate activity". But even if we allow the existence of one such ship, it seems unlikely that a region first charted by the Portuguese, then the French, then the British, and which was later (inevitably) squabbled over by the latter two, would be plagued by pirates sporting broad American accents.) Too late, the men of the Hamilton Queen discover their danger; and before the speedy clipper can escape the pirate ship, it is fired upon, leaving Kirk with a surprisingly neat tear in the leg of his pants. This brutal injury obviously requiring immediate medical attention (and apparently with no ship’s surgeon on board!), Captain Tallman insists on putting ashore at one of the "colonies" in far north Queensland where, we learn, sheep farming – sorry, sheep ranching (heh!) - is the standard way of life.

I will now put on my killjoy cap, and point out some slight factual errors that have cropped up in the screenplay:

1. "Queensland", as such, did not come into existence until 1859; before that, the area was part of New South Wales
2. In 1830, the only settlement in what would become Queensland was around what is now Brisbane, at that time a poorly run penal colony of about a thousand inmates
3. General farming did not begin in Queensland until after 1839, when the land was opened up to free settlement
4. The far north of the state was not settled until the 1870s, when gold was discovered; Cairns, founded in 1876, became a major port as a consequence
5. The area indicated on Kirk Hamilton’s map is a region of tropical rainforest, not pasture land

But why split hairs? Captain Tallman negotiates the Great Barrier Reef without difficulty (thus proving himself more skilful than either James Cook, who hit a reef off Cape Tribulation, and the captains of the various oil tankers who for God knows what reason are allowed to get TOO GODDAMN CLOSE to the Reef and run aground with monotonous regularity), and lands at the dock of a "village" in north-east "Queensland". News of the pirate attack causes some disturbance there, as the settlement was once attacked by the same band of cutthroats. Nevertheless, the "Yankees" are welcomed by the "villagers". Kirk is treated by a doctor, and learns that he must undergo further treatment over the ensuing weeks. Gallantly, Kirk insists that Tallman go on without him. In turn, Tallman insists that two of the ship’s crew stay to care for Kirk, taking the opportunity to rid himself of the dreaded "Salty". Sadist!

Mr Don Riss now interjects, introducing us to Martin Shannon, a "sheep rancher", who is concerned about the pirates, as their activities must necessarily disrupt the running of his ranch (eh?). Mr Riss then begins to wax lyrical about the settling of the Australian continent, pointing out that "the land" is being forced to "yield to the rancher and the farmer" (not to mention the "yielding" of the indigenous population – which, in fact, they don’t mention….). In one of the shearing sheds on Shannon’s property, the men are huddled together to discuss the pirates, worried about the threat to their "homes and families" (how many pirates are there?). At this point we realise that, by some mysterious process of convergent evolution, these Australian shearers are dressed exactly like the inhabitants of a small town in the American west at the equivalent time in history. Shannon interrupts the cowardly gathering, telling the men that "Magistrate Jeffries" has gone to see "the Governor" in Brisbane (pronounced correctly!) about their problem. Unconvinced, some of the men threaten to quit and "move back to the city" (ah, which city, exactly?). Shannon then visits his fiancée, Elaine Jeffries, the "Magistrate’s daughter". (Elaine is played by Laura Elliot, who finished her acting life playing Louise Tate in Bewitched, under the name "Kasey Rogers". A year after Two Lost Worlds, Ms Elliot would reach the pinnacle of her career playing Farley Granger’s ghastly – and doomed – wife in Strangers On A Train.) The excuse for Shannon’s visit is to give a pet lamb to Elaine’s whiny brat of a younger sister, Janice (who by yet another mysterious process of convergent evolution, speaks with an even broader American accent than the pirates). His real purpose, however, is to invite Elaine to go to Brisbane with him. "Brisbane! How wonderful!" gasps Elaine, with a starry-eyed enthusiasm that suggests that she knows even less about the Brisbane of 1830 than the film’s writers. Word then comes that "the government sloop" has docked. Realising that this means that her father is home, Elaine rushes inside.

While Elaine dresses herself and Janice, she is joined by her friend, Nancy. (Sic.? I call Nancy Elaine’s "friend", but the fact of the matter is I haven’t a clue who she might be. She contributes nothing to the story, with the reason for her continued presence becoming clear only in the film’s last few minutes.) Nancy begins sighing over the handsome Yankee sailor, praising everything from "the way he smokes" to "the way he limps" (!). The arrival of Magistrate Jeffries interrupts this little love-fest. Janice rushes out to greet her father, and trips over as she enters the room. (A nice save here by both actors, I must say: Pierre Watkin exclaims, "Baby, are you hurt?", and then he and Gloria Petroff carry on as if nothing untoward had happened.) We next see the Magistrate telling the gathered "ranchers" that "the Governor" has promised to investigate their situation, and to set up a "garrison of troops" if necessary. (During this scene, Pierre Watkin gives a display of blatant cue-card reading not surpassed until Bunny Breckinridge’s effort in Plan 9 From Outer Space.) The men are not happy, and there is more muttering of returning to "the cities".

The next day, Elaine becomes suspicious of Janice’s behaviour, and follows her to the sailors’ cottage, where the child presents Kirk with a birthday cake. Pressed into describing her sister, the little brat tells the men they wouldn’t like her, because she’s "fat, and bow-legged". Naturally, this causes Elaine to burst indignantly into the room, thus providing Kirk and herself with the essential "cute meet". Sure enough, they immediately start making goo-goo eyes at each other, and before long Kirk is making comparisons between "a real ship" and "a real lady". "You sound like you’d like to marry a ship!" observes Elaine coyly. "Until five minutes ago, I would have!" responds Kirk. That evening, Kirk walks Elaine and Janice home, and is invited inside to meet the Magistrate. He, however, is addressing yet another gathering of landowners (or the same one?), in which it is not at all difficult to guess the location of the boom mike: while most of the "ranchers" simply "rhubarb, rhubarb" softly, as you’d expect, one speaks his lines with deafening clarity: "THAT’S RIGHT! IT COULD HAPPEN AGAIN!!" Elaine introduces Kirk, who apologises for interrupting and makes to withdraw. Jeffries asks him to stay, however, so they might have the benefit of his experience. (Hell, yes! How are these cowardly and disorganised Australians ever going to get anything done if they don’t have an American to take charge?) Nothing loath, Kirk immediately suggests organising a private militia – "That’s what we do in America!" In a moment irresistibly reminiscent of the immortal town meeting scene in Blazing Saddles, this suggestion is met with a loud chorus of approval: "The Yankee’s right! Mr Hamilton’s right!" At the back of the room, Elaine gazes at Kirk with astonished pride, tears welling in her eyes. Shannon notices, and his brow darkens ominously. Kirk then leads the newly enthused landowners out to inspect the surrounding terrain, while Shannon stays behind with Elaine, telling her that he wants to announce their engagement before they go to Brisbane. (Hmm….perhaps "going to Brisbane" is a euphemism I haven’t heard before…?) Elaine, of course, stalls, saying she sees no reason they should change their plans. Shannon isn’t fooled. "You’ve changed since this Mr Hamilton came into our lives," he says accusingly (which was, what? – three hours ago?). "I hardly know you!" Elaine denies that anything has changed. "Maybe you’ll feel differently at the dance," says Shannon hopefully.

But, as Don Riss assures us, springtime in Queensland is like springtime anywhere – this piece of wisdom being accompanied by scenes of Kirk and Elaine strolling hand in hand through the countryside, laughing at insert kookaburras, and finally kissing. At "the dance", Kirk and Elaine sneak off to declare their love for one another. Feeling the need for some explanation, Elaine tells Kirk that "I’m very fond of Martin" (aka "Martin’s Deathknell"). Kirk then asks Elaine to leave with him when the Hamilton Queen returns, but she balks at the thought of never seeing her family again. In return, Kirk tells her that other people’s futures are bound up in him, and that he cannot stay. At that moment Shannon, who has been eavesdropping, flings himself into the scene and embarrasses himself by throwing what may be the softest punch in screen history. Instantly, Elaine pushes herself between the two men. "Stop it! You’re behaving like children!" she cries (which is a bit unfair on Kirk, isn’t it?), then runs off in tears. We then some time gazing at Elaine’s face while she mentally replays the last five minutes of the film’s dialogue (well, not the bit about "springtime", thankfully). Concluding that Shannon is right, and that it isn’t going to work out between her and Kirk, she decides to patch things up with her fiancé. But they best laid plans, yada-yada. Unbeknownst to the settlers (and apparently unnoticed by Kirk’s militia), the dreaded pirates have come ashore, driven to land because "we haven’t boarded a vessel in some time!" (Which might be because – oh, I don’t know – you’re not hanging out in any shipping lanes!?) Elaine, meanwhile, has tracked down Shannon. "You were right!" she tells him. "Take me to Brisbane with you!" (Ooh, you brazen hussy!) "We’ll go next week," promises Shannon. "No, now!" exclaims Elaine. "All right – tomorrow!" says Shannon, obviously not one to look a gift hussy in the mouth. And speaking of which, Shannon has just planted one on Elaine when – BLAMMO! The pirates attack! Two of Shannon’s men rush into the shack with the news. Worried about his---I mean, Elaine’s safety, Shannon realises he needs a diversion. "Wilson, go out and draw their fire!" he orders, and incredibly, Wilson does. But sadly, this heroism is to no avail, as the pirates knock Shannon down and ride off with Elaine, who pretty much just sits there. Meanwhile, this desperate band (all eight of them) are burning and pillaging the rest of the settlement. Magistrate Jeffries makes a run for it on horseback, whereupon we see that not only does the Queensland outback bear as astonishing resemblance to parts of California, but that the pirates have mysteriously doubled in number. Cornered, Jeffries can think of nothing better to do than walk his horse over a waterfall. Oddly, it looks very much like Jeffries is simply heading his horse down a trail, but the next thing we hear he’s been found dead, so I guess it must only have appeared that he was in no danger at all….

Meanwhile, an injured survivor tells Kirk that the pirates have taken Elaine and Nancy (remember her?) on board their ship. Naturally, Kirk takes charge of the situation, demanding that Captain Allison, the commander of the "government sloop", allow the ship to be used to pursue the pirates. "We’ve got to go after them!" he argues forcefully. (Inevitably, someone pipes up, "He’s right!") Allison hesitates, then cries, "Oh, hang the orders!" A little comedy relief then leavens this high drama, as Salty and Nat debate the eating arrangements on the naval vessel. This "hilarious" scene is interrupted by the sudden appearance of Janice, who explains that her father told her to hide. "Where’s my Daddy?" she naturally inquires. While the men, including Kirk and Shannon, are Breaking The Bad News to her (it’s an emotional roller-coaster, isn’t it?), we cut to Elaine, who is bravely denouncing the leader of the pirates. And a very thin-skinned and sensitive pirate he must be, too, for Elaine calls him nothing worse than "a man like you!" before he slaps her face and orders his men to put ashore wherever they can, just so they can "get them off my ship!" (So-oo-oo….why were they brought on board in the first place?) The sloop, manned by Our Heroes, catches up with the pirate ship, and Kirk warns the crew of the desperate fight ahead. "They’ve got no rules!" What follows is your standard pirate film fight scene: much swinging on rigging, flashing cutlasses, the occasional pistol shot. In the midst of this, we cut to a bewildering shot of John Hartley, Shannon’s right hand man, rescuing Janice (hang on – she was on the government ship, wasn’t she!?), while Elaine and Nancy escape onto the deck. Shannon takes a bullet saving Kirk, and somehow both ships end up going up in flames. Kirk, the injured Shannon, Elaine, Nancy, Hartley and Janice escape in a row-boat, after which, Don Riss informs us, they "rowed and drifted aimlessly" for two days. Ah – and why was that, exactly? I mean, how far from land were they when they caught the pirates? And why would they "drift aimlessly" rather than navigating? Anyway, on the second day the survivors look up to see a volcanic island before them. They land the boat and stagger ashore through what the illustrious Mr Riss assures us is "the turbulent surf" – but which looks amazingly like two inches of dead flat water at low tide. At this point we see that Elaine’s dress, which was immaculate when she escaped the pirates, has developed a series of interesting tears. (The square one at the hemline may perhaps be explained by her tearing out a bandage for Shannon’s wound; the neat round peekaboo one over the top of her left thigh, however, remains a mystery.) The survivors collapse in an exhausted sleep, during which the "turbulent surf" takes its revenge by wrecking the boat – which, incredibly, Our Heroes failed to secure.

The terrible dangers awaiting our brave band begin to manifest themselves with the appearance of a pair of vultures. Tragically, despite what the synopsis on the DVD case promises us, these "vultures" do not "spew venom" at all – nor do they appear to be vultures per se, but rather condors. Convergent evolution strikes again, we assume. Meanwhile, Our Heroes have discovered to their horror that before them lies a deadly stretch of "shimmering, burning desert". This, Kirk explains, is typical of islands in the "Dutch East Indies". "What are we going to do?" shrieks Nancy suddenly, possibly realising that she hasn’t had a single line of dialogue in twenty-eight minutes. "Nancy!" says Elaine sternly, quelling this unseemly outburst. Elaine’s dress, I should mention, has undergone more ripping during the night, and is now missing most of its sleeves. Out scouting, John Hartley sees trees in the distance, then water. He hurries back to the others, who begin the long walk towards their salvation. By now, Elaine’s rips have joined up to turn her dress into a snazzy frontless number, exposing both of her legs and a very un-1830s pair of knickers. Nancy’s dress, too, has begun to undergo some interesting alterations. Eventually finding water, the intrepid band slakes its thirst. Janice, her spirits restored, runs off to play with a "tiny desert hop-toad". (I didn’t realise there were "tiny desert hop-toads" in "the Dutch East Indies". But then, I didn’t realise there were "shimmering, burning deserts" there either, so what do I know?) But Janice gets a little more than she expected when she rounds a corner and sees----

Okay, so here we are at The Big Scene; the one that almost qualifies Two Lost Worlds as Science Fiction; the one that the DVD case promised us, with "maddened mastodons waging warfare to the death". Just one problem….

mastodon /'mæst?d?n/, n. any of various species of large, extinct mammals (genus Mammut, etc.) of the elephant kind, characterised by nipple-like elevations on the molar teeth. [NL, from Gk, from mast- MAST- + odoús tooth]

And what does Janice actually see? Lizards. "Giant" lizards, of course – no less than the "nose-wrestling" scene from the 1940 version of One Million Years B.C. - a baby croc with a fin glued to its back and a monitor lizard, who are thrown together and encouraged to attack each other. And I’m afraid that at this point, Two Lost Worlds became seriously distasteful to me. Perhaps you’ll think I’m making too much of this, but I hate this kind of stuff! The notion of animals being killed or injured for our alleged entertainment is utterly abhorrent to me, and the fact that it’s "just lizards" doesn’t make it any better; they aren’t "just lizards" to me. At the end of the sequence, when we’re supposed to be worrying about our "heroes", all I could see was the monitor that lost the fight, left lying on its back and so badly injured that it was hardly able to breathe, let alone turn over. I suppose it’s better that the film-makers recycled the earlier footage rather than re-staging the whole scene, but all the same, this sequence left a very nasty taste in my mouth.

After this, the band continues on its way, eventually finding that the "gaunt and cruel terrain" is giving way to low vegetation, then forest. Kirk spots what is meant to be a mountain goat, I think (but which is rather obviously a bull calf), and takes this as proof that his instinct about which way to walk was correct. (In the absence of anyone else to do it, Don Riss intones, "Kirk’s judgement was right!") From hereon in, we notice the increasing presence of crappy back-projection, indicating that wherever this film was shot, "desert" was more readily available than "tropical forest". Finding an abundance of fruits, Our Heroes get stuck in. No sooner has the edge been taken off their hunger, however, than Kirk and Elaine become gripped with "secret thoughts of one another", while Shannon is consumed by "dark and jealous" thoughts.

Meanwhile, the Hamilton Queen has returned to Queensland, and Captain Tallman is hearing the tragic story from Captain Allison, who also survived the burning of the ships (and who, you’ll notice, is in no particular hurry to get back to Brisbane and report his loss to The Authorities). Although Allison thinks no-one but himself and the others in his lifeboat (including the wretched Salty, of course) survived, Tallman decides that the proximity of the tragedy to the Dutch East Indies means that someone might have reached land; and he decides to search a little before turning for home. Back on the island, the survivors have built a raft, and Kirk has proposed a daring plan to sail south to the tip of Queensland (how come he can suddenly navigate?), after which they will walk down the coast to the settlement. Ahhh….excuse me, will you? I just have to step outside for a moment…. [HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEEHEE!!!!]

Whew! That’s better! To illustrate his plan, Kirk draws a map of Australia – one perhaps best described as "abstract". In this scene, we see that Nancy has managed to outdo Elaine: her fairly elaborate dress (for reasons that will be clear in a minute) has been reduced to thigh length, with a single strap draped over one shoulder. As she gazes at Kirk’s map, the loquacious Nancy says suddenly, "Oh, I can’t believe it!" then falls silent again. (Hmm – I guess she "knows what she likes"….) "What are you thinking?" John Hartley asks her. "I’m not thinking – I’m praying," she explains grimly.

Seeing no alternative, the group begins to gather food for the dangerous crossing. They are interrupted, however, when the volcano in the middle of the island suddenly belches into life (bet you didn’t see that coming!). The entire film now explodes into Stock Footage Overload, as the eruption footage from One Million Years B.C. also makes an appearance. Nancy, who escaped a falling rock wall despite standing stock still and screaming as it fell towards her, now has her date with destiny as she is engulfed by the surging lava – so much for her prayers. And here, my friends, we see the entire raison d’être for Nancy’s presence in the film; worse yet, for the way her dress is progressively torn off her: they wanted to use the footage from the earlier film where a cavegirl is engulfed! Yup, an entirely superfluous character was written into Two Lost Worlds just so they could use that clip. Tragic.

Although Nancy is killed, Kirk, Elaine and Janice are unhurt despite standing only feet from the white-hot lava. (I’m not going to criticise the film for that flub. It’s common enough, after all – see Volcano for a particularly ridiculous recent example.) As they head for camp, it’s time for more cruelty to lizards: an iguana has rocks and dirt dumped all over it to simulate getting caught in an eruption; while another monitor bucks and "roars" (dubbed-in "dinosaur" sounds) in the face of burning vegetation and crumbling earth. (One of this poor animal’s feet has clearly been pinned to the ground so that it can’t run away.) Kirk, the girls and Hartley make it back to camp, where the already weakened Shannon is struck by a flying rock and further injured. Throughout the night, the survivors cringe and huddle as burning debris sails over them, missing by inches. (Me, I’d’ve moved further away – but like I said, what do I know?) The dawn finds the eruption stopping, although the volcano continues to send clouds of smoke into the atmosphere. Martin Shannon lies at death’s door. He lasts only long enough to tell Kirk to "Look after Elaine" before breathing his last. Elaine, who has coped with her friend (?) Nancy’s fiery death without batting an eyelid, does manage to squeeze out a tear or two at the passing of her erstwhile fiancé. Meanwhile, Janice, a practical girl, has her eye on the horizon, and sees – a ship! Yes, it’s the Hamilton Queen. But what’s this!? Captain Tallman thinks no-one could have survived the eruption, and orders his men to turn for home! But, phew! At the very last moment, one of the crew sees something on the beach. Tallman grabs the telescope – and sees Kirk, Elaine and Janice, all grouped together in a charming family portrait. And so Our Heroes were rescued. Elaine, relieved of the "obligations" that were keeping her in Queensland (aka her dead father and her dead fiancé), is happy to sail off into the sunset with Kirk; and the last shot in the film is a sketch of the two of them at the wheel of the Hamilton Queen, striking the kind of pose later found on the cover of any number of romance novels, and usually involving Fabio. The End.

Except for one thing: okay, the island is one of the "lost worlds" of the title, but what’s the other? I can only assume that the writers were referring to the state of Queensland – and that’s just bloody rude….

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