Synopsis: At the
Star Club, as her colleagues dance, a Bat Girl is drugged and kidnapped. Recovering
consciousness, she manages to use her wrist-radio to alert the Batwoman (Katherine Victor)
and the other Bat Girls to her predicament. The kidnappers, Tiger (Mel Oshins) and Bruno
(Steve Conte), take the girl to the secret laboratory of Professor G. Octavius Neon
(George Andre), where she is kept in a cell in the corner of the room. A masked, cloaked
supervillain named Rat Fink contacts Neon and demands the wrist-radio, so that he can
contact Batwoman. The next morning, Batwoman calls her girls together for an emergency
meeting. During the meeting, Rat Fink makes contact, demanding that Batwoman help him
steal a revolutionary atomic hearing aid from the Ayjax Development Corporation, in
exchange for the safe return of the kidnapped girl. Batwoman agrees, but insists upon
seeing the girl first. At the laboratory, while Rat Fink makes contact via a viewing
screen, Neon tries to drug Batwoman, but she switches her drink with his. She then knocks
out Tiger and Bruno, and rescues the girl. At Ayjax’s head office, businessman J.B.
Christians (Richard Banks) must break it to his partner, Jim Flanagan (Steve Brodie), that
he ignored a court order to destroy their hearing aid, hoping that they might appeal the
decision of the patent office. He further reveals that Batwoman has contacted him, warning
him of a possible attempt to steal the device. Flanagan visits Batwoman, revealing the
hearing aid’s deadly secret: touched by Cobalt 40, it becomes a powerful explosive.
Rat Fink contacts Neon to tell him that Batwoman and her girls have agreed to guard the
vault at Ayjax. Neon, Bruno and Tiger disguise themselves, and manage to serve drugged
soup to the Bat Girls and the patrons of the Ayjax cafeteria, including Batwoman and
Flanagan. Neon takes the key to the vault from Flanagan, and soon Rat Fink has possession
of the deadly hearing aid….
Comments: Here’s
another one you can chalk up under the general heading of "Me And My Big Fat
Mouth".
You see, I was talking to my friend Pete a while back; and the conversation meandered
to the subject of a certain episode of South Park, featuring a wildlife expert with
the alarming habit of pissing off any passing wildlife by jamming his thumb up its
butthole. In the course of this little chat, Pete happened to mention that not only was
there to be a (ulp!) Crocodile
Hunter movie, which I knew, but that it would be getting – a theatrical
release!? And then he took wicked advantage of my stunned and shaken emotional
condition, and made me an inequitable proposition: that he would review Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course
if I would – do something unspeakable for him….
Well, like I said, he caught me with my guard
down. So here I am, reviewing The Wild World Of Batwoman; a film entirely based
upon the simple belief that the two finest things in the world are go-go dancing and
face-pulling; and that together, they comprise the very essence of comedy.
I generally try to look for a silver lining
in whatever I do, and here is today’s: this review rectifies a shameful oversight on
my part, and marks the long-overdue first appearance at my site of schlockmeister Jerry
Warren.
That said, right at this moment there is
nothing on Earth I would like better, if only it were physically possible, than to take Mr
Warren by the collar and bitchslap him into the middle of next century.
As, I imagine, all regular visitors to this
site would be well aware, there are Bad Movies – and then there are BAD MOVIES. I
watch a lot of movies, all different kinds. Some of them have bored me and some of
them have irritated me and some of them have made me genuinely angry; but I can’t
remember the last time a film reduced me to a helpless, quivering wreck the way that this
one did. Don’t talk to me about rock climbing, or scuba diving, or sandstorms
– The Wild World Of Batwoman redefines the expression DEEP HURTING. I could
have been no more than three minutes into this epic when I started whimpering, "Make
it STOP! Make it STOP! Make it STOP!" But alas, no-one did; I was forced to suffer
through the entirety of its 472 minute running-time.
You know, one of the Jabootuian philosophies
is that there is nothing in the world worse than a bad comedy. Bad drama, bad science
fiction, bad horror--- They can all provide entertainment, albeit not the kind that they
intended; but bad comedy has nowhere to go. I can’t, offhand, think of a film that
illustrates this dictum better than The Wild World Of Batwoman (although, granted,
I haven’t seen Sextette). This is not only a failed comedy, but a film in
which every single character is the Odious Comic Relief©.
Think about that. Let it….sink in.
The Wild World Of Batwoman
opens on three of the "Bat Girls", two of whom are initiating a third (under
"Article 21, paragraph 2", no less). The new recruit is a little hesitant about
downing the brew she has been offered, but one of her new colleagues assures her that,
"We’re vampires all right, but only in the synthetic sense!" The concoction
in the goblet she has been offered turns out to be "honey, mint, cherry, and
strawberry yoghurt – a real groove!" The three chug this down, and for several
seconds, the camera simply stares at them as they lick their chops. Alert viewers will
subsequently notice that none of these three young ladies reappears in the body of the
film. This is because this sequence was added after Jerry Warren had a big fat lawsuit
slapped on him by D.C. Comics, who got a strange idea in their heads that this opus may
somehow have been inspired by the TV version of Batman. In response, Mr Warren
changed the film’s title to She Was A Hippie Vampire, which makes about as
much sense as the film itself, and tacked on this new opening. Masterful!
We then get to see the Bat Girls in, uh,
action. Out on the mean streets, a man foolishly stops when asked for a light (smoking
– it’ll kill ya!) and finds himself with a gun in his back, being ordered to
hand over his wallet. The victim backs away with a defiant, "If you want it,
you’ll have to come over here and take it!" – which provokes the gunman
into shooting him dead. (Yeesh! And he didn’t even say "You don’t have the
guts!" or nuthin’!) The killer then drops his gun and flees in a panic,
while his more practical partner retrieves the weapon and takes the disputed
wallet. The camera then pans to the right, allowing us to see two Bat Girls crouched
behind some nearby garbage bins (!!). The performance of the girl on the right (none of
the girls are identified in the credits, and only one is even given a "Bat
Number" within the film) in this scene is particularly inspired: I think she’s
meant to be gasping in horror at the savage violence she’s just witnessed, but she
looks remarkably like she’s suppressing a yawn. Meanwhile, the girl on the left is
alerting Batwoman to the commission of this heinous crime – which, you’ll
notice, she and her friend allowed to happen without lifting a finger to help. Apparently,
the Bat Girls don’t fight crime so much as sit around watching it happen. And
what exactly were they doing behind those garbage bins? Looking for the script,
perhaps.
Inside the Star Club, it’s go-go time,
as the other Bat Girls shake their booties, and every other part of their anatomies. The
boots! The miniskirts! The fringe! The hysterectomy pants! This scene goes on – and
on – and on – until it feels as if someone has switched videos on us, and
we’re actually watching a compilation tape featuring The Best Of William Grefé. But
no such luck. At the bar, one Bat Girl (one of only two who gets any significant
screentime; I shall refer to her as Dark-Haired Bat Girl, or DHB) is approached by a man
offering to buy her a drink. She accepts, little guessing that the man is Rat Fink’s
henchman, Tiger. We see Tiger dropping a pill into the drink before handing it over. DHB
takes a few sips and passes out, and Tiger and Bruno pick her up and carry her out of the
club without anyone even noticing, far less pausing in the relentless shaking of their
respective groove things.
Well – I suppose, in a time before the
advent of date rape drugs, this scene may have been mildly amusing….
Nah.
DHB regains consciousness to find herself
between Tiger and Bruno in the front seat of their car. Activating her wrist-radio, she
tries to lure her kidnappers into giving away their destination. Two other Bat Girls pick
up her signal, and alert Batwoman to the situation. And so we get our first look at our
eponymous heroine.
Allow me to pause here for a moment. I hate
this film with an unrivalled passion, but nevertheless, I can’t entirely suppress a
pang of combined sympathy and admiration for Katherine Victor, who actually agreed to
appear in front of the cameras in what is possibly the single most embarrassing outfit in
the history of film. Ms Victor may not be the greatest actress in the world, exactly, but
her contribution here at least shows her to be a good sport, and not without a certain
degree of courage. And I don’t mean
dress-down-and-push-up-your-breasts-let’s-give-her-an-Oscar "courage",
either; I mean the real kind.
So. Our heroine. Picture a woman of the
proverbial Certain Age wearing a strapless leotard, black tights, black ankle boots with
little pointy heels, and black wrist gloves. On the pinky finger of her left hand sits a
"diamond" ring roughly the size of Rhode Island. Covering her right arm is some
kind of fur piece, held in place with a faux-diamond clasp, from which extends a
studded sash that passes over her right shoulder, then turns itself into a belt, and is
further decorated with dangling diamante chains. On her face, she wears a black mask with
diamante "eyebrows", and her hair--- Well, I gotta be honest: I can’t
figure out whether the feathery concoction on her head is meant to be her hair, or some
kind of hat; either way, it looks like she was caught in a rare convergence of four
separate gale-force winds. And let’s not forget the crowning touch: this darling
little outfit is topped off by a black bat "tattoo" that sits just above the
lady’s breasts.
Oh, and there’s something else I need to
stress here: "Batwoman" is no-one’s secret identity; Mexican wrestler-like,
she is Batwoman even at home. Or to put it another way – she dresses like this all
the time. Except when she goes out, when she further accessorises with a little black
cape. Classy!
Meanwhile, the kidnappers have finally
twigged to DHB’s little ploy. Bruno snatches the wrist-radio and bellows into it,
"Is that you, Batwoman? AAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!" DHB responds by sinking her teeth into
his wrist, while Batwoman first warns the kidnappers that they have taken on "much
more than you’ll be able to handle!", then calls an emergency meeting of her
"girls".
And then it’s time to kick the pain
levels up a notch or ten. We cut to shot of Conical Flasks Filled With Mysterious Coloured
Fluids, just so we understand that, yup, there’s science a-doing! And then
we’re introduced to the film’s resident Mad Scientist, Professor G. Octavius
Neon, who (surprise!) wears glasses and a labcoat, and who speaks with an accent that
would have been booed off the set of Hogan’s Heroes. A word here: the first
time I watched this film, I could’ve sworn his name was Deon; and indeed,
what’s the point of having a Mad Scientist whose handle is "G. Octavius",
if his surname doesn’t start with D!? But everyone insists it’s
"Neon", so I guess I’ll go with the flow. And by the way, if you think my
blathering on like this is a feeble attempt to put off dealing with what happens next in
this film, you’re quite right.
Sigh.
For, you see, Professor Neon has a--- No, not
an assistant. A companion, of sorts. Called Heathcliffe. This is a grown man who hunches
around like a chimpanzee, wears a ratty cardigan, and pulls faces. That’s it. That is
his entire contribution to this motion picture. He’s there to pull faces. And pull
faces he does. Constantly. Mercilessly. Directly into the camera. BECAUSE IT’S
FUNNY!!!! Right?
By the way, the film’s opening titles
feature a special "And Lloyd Nelson as Heathcliffe" credit, possibly in
recognition of the magnitude of his contribution here – he almost succeeds in making
the other characters seem amusing – but more likely to ensure that when someone
finally snapped while watching this and sent "The Boys" around, the right person
was on the receiving end of the baseball bats.
In the corner of Neon’s laboratory is a
jail cell. Naturally. And in that jail cell is DHB. Neon announces that he is a great
scientist, and goes on to rave that he has "perfected some of the greatest
discoveries of the twentieth century" which, I dunno, sounds to me like he takes
other people’s discoveries and puts clock radios into them. And still our
round of introductions isn’t complete, as we finally meet the movie’s
supervillain – Rat Fink. (We infer that Ray Dennis Steckler had somewhat less legal
clout than D.C. Comics.) This hatted, masked, and cloaked figure appears on a viewing
screen in Neon’s lab (in scenes that were, I gather, lifted from the Mexican
wrestling movie, Neutron And The Black Mask), while his minions crowd around and
stare into the camera, allowing Heathcliffe to launch into some of his most shameless
mugging. Rat Fink orders Neon to bring DHB’s wrist-radio to his laboratory,
and mutters darkly about Batwoman. On cue, we cut to that "emergency" meeting
that Batwoman called, which is taking place well into the following morning. The
bikini-clad Bat Girls are frolicking---sorry, I mean training, around a
swimming-pool, until Batwoman’s second-in-command, "#14", calls the meeting
to order. The girls rush together at the edge of the pool (look out for the Bat Girl
digging her bikini bottom out of her---uh, pulling it back into place, that is), and
recite the Bat Girl Oath:
"One, two, three. We the girls who are
dedicated to Batwoman, take our oath with all sincerity. We the girls who are dedicated to
Batwoman, take our pride with all sincerity. We the girls who are dedicated to Batwoman,
fight against evil with all sincerity."
You know – nothing about this
movie makes any sense. Nothing. Not a lick of it. So why, I wonder, with so much to choose
from, do I find myself fixated upon trying to figure out what, exactly, "we
take our pride with all sincerity" means…?
That done, the meeting moves into the house.
Batwoman sits on her couch, and the Bat Girls (all nine of them) arrange themselves either
side of her and on the floor. After some moronic preliminaries, Batwoman begins to discuss
DHB’s predicament, when the meeting is interrupted by Rat Fink on the wrist-radio. He
and his nemesis exchange pleasantries, and then Rat Fink demands Batwoman’s help in
obtaining "a certain object", in exchange for the safe return of DHB. Batwoman
agrees, but insists on seeing DBH first. Sure enough, Batwoman is taken to Neon’s
laboratory. Inside her cell, DHB is crying incessantly, and the grouchy Bruno insists that
she be given "another happy pill" (!!). This proves to be one [sic.] of
Neon’s fabulous inventions, a drug that forces the taker to – go-go dance
uncontrollably! BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY!!!! Right? DHB taken care of, the affable Tiger
invites Batwoman to partake of chocolate milk and macaroons. BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY!!!!
Right? Fortunately, Rat Fink interrupts this little soiree, appearing on the
viewing-screen. Everyone stares up, and Heathcliffe starts mugging again. Rat Fink offers
Batwoman the usual sell-your-soul/beautiful-music-together arrangement, she makes the
standard scornful reply. We then get a crash course on the film’s McGuffin: the
"Ayjax Development Corporation" (sigh), has built an "atomic hearing
aid", capable of listening in on any telephone conversation anywhere in the world.
This device, however, has been denied a patent; and the horrified US government has
ordered it destroyed – because, you know, it couldn’t possibly find any use for
such an object. While this exposition is being delivered, Neon drops a happy pill into
Batwoman’s chocolate milk, but she manages to "subtly" switch her glass
with his, and soon our labcoated loony is doing the monkey all over his laboratory.
BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY!!!! Right? Batwoman takes advantage of this distraction to smash
the chocolate milk jug over Tiger’s head, and to deck Bruno with a haymaker that
wouldn’t have been out of place in the John Wayne/Randolph Scott brawl of The
Spoilers. She then absconds, dragging the still-frugging DHB in her wake.
We then cut to the offices of Ayjax, where
businessman J.B. Christians is confessing to his partner Jim Flanagan that the time in
which they were supposed to destroy the hearing aid was fifteen days, not thirty; and they
are now in illegal possession of it. Moreover, not only are foreign agents after it, but
J.B. has had a call from Batwoman, warning him that Rat Fink, too, is intent upon
acquiring the device. The horrified Flanagan decides to see Batwoman for himself. He
therefore drives to her house (no stately manor here, just a respectable single
storey; I wonder how she’s listed in the telephone directory?) and is admitted when
the front door swings mysteriously open at his approach. Inside, the Bat Girls are
lounging around while Batwoman herself belts out a tune on her organ. Looking
excruciatingly uncomfortable (and I don’t blame him), Flanagan sits on a low bench
seat. At length, Batwoman wraps up her solo and joins him. As an opening gambit, Flanagan
remarks that a self-opening front door seems a little dangerous, allowing Batwoman to put
on a superior smile and explain to him smugly that he was monitored electronically from
the moment he left his car. "OH, REALLY?" bellows Flanagan, for no reason I can
think of. (I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt; perhaps the boom mike slipped.) He
then reveals to Batwoman the hearing aid’s deadly secret: if it comes into contact
with Cobalt 40, it becomes the world’s most powerful explosive: "Boom! And it
goes! It really goes!"
This is, by the way, probably the scene best
remembered by everyone who sees The Wild World Of Batwoman, but not for any of the
overt reasons. Rather, it’s for what’s going on in the background: two Bat
Girls, wrestling futilely, and quite inexplicably, over a horseshoe. We can only assume
this is some kind of suh-fist-o-kate-ed training exercise. That, or a first class piece of
scene-stealing. Either way, I guarantee that no-one who watches this will be able to keep
their attention fixed on the fore-grounded Flanagan and Batwoman.
Cut back to Neon’s laboratory for some
more [*choke*] comedy. Neon is trying to coax Heathcliffe into taking a pill.
Heathcliffe refuses. Neon tries again. Heathcliffe refuses. Neon tries again. Heathcliffe
refuses. THIS GOES ON FOR SEVENTY-NINE FREAKING SECONDS. Finally, Rat Fink calls on his
viewing-screen, which stops the hilarious pill-taking sequence, and allows Heathcliffe to
resume mugging into the camera. Ah, life’s good, isn’t it?
In the course of this conversation, Neon asks
how things are "at the cave", then inquires after the health of his monsters
– briefly raising the audience’s hopes that something interesting or enjoyable
might happen later in the film. (I won’t do to you what the film did to me: prepare
to be sorely disappointed in said "monsters".) Rat Fink tells Neon that Batwoman
has agreed to guard the vault at Ayjax, and that they must think of a plan to outwit [sic.]
her and steal the hearing aid. This, naturally, leads to more [*choke*] comedy, as
Neon, Bruno and Tiger sneak into Ayjax wearing disguises that--- Let’s see, what does
my thesaurus offer as alternatives to mere "embarrassment"? Humiliation, shame,
mortification, disgrace, chagrin, degradation, ignominy, abasement, discomfiture---- Take
your pick. (Curiously, most of these words describe exactly how I feel watching this film.
Bletch!) Meanwhile, Batwoman is demonstrating her high-tech security arrangements to
Flanagan, namely, crowding as many of her girls as possible into the room containing the
vault at Ayjax. "As you can see," she announces with absolutely inexplicable
pride, "I’ve placed a double guard consisting of my two best girls at the vault
itself." We are given no indication of what, precisely, qualifies these two as
"the best", although as Batwoman speaks, she does point directly at their
chests. The Bat Girls, by the way, are all armed to the teeth. Nevertheless, not one of
them is wearing a holster of any kind, ‘cos that would spoil their snazzy little
outfits. Let’s just say that there’s a lot of nervous gun-waving going on in
this scene. And check out "best girl" #2, who has both a rifle slung over her
left shoulder, and a revolver in her right hand. Boy, can’t hardly wait till those
start going off in this snug little room! Anyway, Flanagan is reassured enough by these
arrangements to invite Batwoman for a spot of lunch. You know, I think he’s getting
sweet on her – awww….
And no wonder Batwoman and Flanagan are
pleased with the arrangements! Because no sooner have they turned their backs than the
"disguised" Tiger barges in, handing around hot soup to this crew of
highly-trained crime-fighters, all of whom chug it down without a second thought. And if
you’ve guessed that the soup was laced with "happy pills", you get a gold
star. Soon the Bat Girls are frantically go-go dancing, and still more frantically, waving
their guns around in the air with their fingers on the triggers. Oh – all except for
the girl who has the butt of her rifle on the ground, and the barrel pointing directly up
at her own chin. Alas! If only a moment of reality had been allowed to sneak in, and these
idiots had blown each other’s stupid heads off! The NRA could have used the footage
as a recruitment ad ("See what useful things guns can accomplish!") with
nary a peep of protest from anyone in response.
Hey, cool! The Ayjax commissary doubles as a
jazz lounge! And that music is almost enjoyable! Oh, well, that’s over. Time for the
henchmen to pull their soup stunt again, and for Batwoman, crime-fighting genius that she
is, to eat soup she didn’t order despite having escaped drugging once, and the
fact that a woman in the corner of the room is already go-go-ing. Soon both she and
Flanagan are dancing along with the rest of them (and just to make sure that there are no
more lawsuits forthcoming, I wish to state categorically that Batwoman is not doing
the Batusi. Definitely. Not.) Tiger lifts "the only key to the vault" from
Flanagan’s pocket, and the henchmen take off. They brush past J.B. who, having barely
survived an encounter with the gun-toting Bat Girls, is horrified to find his partner
amongst the writhing crowd in the commissary. Back at the vault, Bruno grabs the dreaded
hearing aid, while Tiger also claims a souvenir: DHB, who wriggles along after him
unresisting.
Next thing we know, we’re in the company
of "the men from the Patent Office": Bruno VeSota and some other poor schmuck
(who looks just like Jim Nabors) doing a bad Ollie ‘n’ Stan routine. They try to
contact J.B. by phone, and learn that he is at Batwoman’s house. "Can I have her
address?" he inquires, and yes, apparently she is in the directory. At the
house, Batwoman is conducting a séance, in an attempt to locate the hearing aid. She
succeeds in contacting a spirit who is willing to help (and who speaks
ve-ry-ve-ry-slo-oo-oo-ow-ly….by all means, let’s drag it out a bit more); and
then, incredibly, this film succeeds in hitting rock bottom. Batwoman and the spirit are
interrupted.
"CHING CHONG HOY CHONG CHING CHONG HUNG
CHONG HOY CHOW CHING CHONG----"
"Could you please repeat the message in
English?" requests Batwoman. "That sounds like Chinese!"
The original spirit begins to answer her, but
then----
"CHING CHONG HOY CHONG CHING CHONG HUNG
CHONG HOY CHOW CHING CHONG----"
And because you can never have too much of a
good thing, then they do it again----
"CHING CHONG HOY CHONG CHING CHONG HUNG
CHONG HOY CHOW CHING CHONG----"
And I just changed my mind about Jerry
Warren. If I do manage, somehow, to get my hands on him – with the help of my spirit
guide, perhaps – I am going to bitchslap him into the middle of the next Millennium.
Anyway, the séance is a dismal failure, J.B.
argues with the patent guys, Neon fiddles with the hearing aid, and Heathcliffe pulls
faces. DHB is tied up (leashed up, actually, with a rope around her neck) in the
corner of the lab, and tries to convince the smitten Tiger of the benefits of yoga and
college ("I went for a year and a half!"). Then it turns out that
Batwoman didn’t need spiritual help anyway, as she "remembers" that
Neon’s lab is near the beach, with "a little reef" just offshore. She
orders the Bat Girls to look for a cove that would be underwater at high tide. She then
gets a phonecall from a maudlin drunk Flanagan, and assures him that her girls are out
working for the cause with "selfless dedication".
So it’s off to the beach! – where a
very bad band plays very bad music on electric guitars that aren’t plugged in, and
the Bat Girls wriggle themselves into a positive frenzy. #14 snogs some guy for a while,
then calls her troop to attention and reminds them they’ve got a job to do. They
march off down the beach. Back in the lab – aack! the horror! the horror! – DHB
is teaching Tiger to go-go dance. ("No, no! Move your hips some more!" Aack!!)
Fortunately, this torture is broken up by the arrival of Bruno and Heathcliffe (who would ever
have thought I’d be glad to see Heathcliffe!?). Bruno announces that Rat Fink wants
"the work" finished down in "the cave", and that "Batwoman and
her girls are all over the beach". This proves to be a tad premature, as we then cut
to stock footage of a speedboat meant to indicate Batwoman’s approach. The girls,
however, are certainly there; and we watch as these highly-trained crime-fighters are
captured by Rat Fink, one by one, by having a hand clamped over their mouths, and being
dragged away – none of the others noticing anything, of course. We then cut to Tiger
and DHB, the latter still on a leash, who are also heading for "the cavern".
Tiger tries to cheer DHB (and the audience) up with glowing promises of
"monsters" outside Rat Fink’s lab. DHB, however, is more concerned with
something over on the opposite wall: skeletons! Eek! And this highly-trained crime-fighter
does indeed shriek in terror, prompting the single sensible moment in the entire film:
"Aw, they can’t hurt ya!" responds Tiger. "They ain’t even
alive!" He then tugs at DHB’s leash, and leads her to the mouth of "the
cavern". DHB whines, "I’m scared," and wraps her arms around
Tiger’s neck. We then see "the cavern" – and the monsters
– and it’s footage from The Mole People. Yup. The – freaking –
Mole – People. Yeesh!
In Rat Fink’s lab (which is tastefully
decorated with a fifty year old microscope, a high school level anatomy chart, and lots of
beakers and smoking conical flasks, of course), RF himself is gloating to the chained up
Bat Girls, boasting about his tranquilliser, "the most powerful ever devised in a
laboratory" – as opposed to those devised in the bathtub, or the garden shed, we
assume. He then laughs, not the traditional "Mwoo-ha-ha!", but a dead copy of Dr
Bombay from Bewitched. "NNNYAH-HAR-HAR-HAR-HA!" Meanwhile, Bruno, Neon
and Heathcliffe are on their way to the cavern, with Neon stopping off to fret about his
monsters (and Heathcliffe mugging into the camera, naturally). Once in the lab, Neon
continues to whinge, until Rat Fink reveals his Heinous Scheme: he intends to mate the Bat
Girls with the Mole People! "NNNYAH-HAR-HAR-HAR-HA!" (Actually – I’d pay
to see that film!) There’s a knock at the lab door, and Bruno admits, as he
thinks, Tiger and DHB. And it is them – with Batwoman! (And Flanagan, too, but
that’s not important.) Batwoman is armed with a Whammo Air Blaster--- Oh, sorry,
it’s an "oscillator" – which not only finds the girls, but frees them!
So saying, Batwoman points her oscillator at #14, whose chains drop away almost as if they
hadn’t been done up at all! Batwoman then orders #14 to free the others, using her
"magnetic electron device".
Flanagan then steps in with the suggestion
that they all have a "pow-wow" to sort the situation out. Neon starts pushing
his drugs (offering "depression pills" as well as "happy pills"),
until Rat Fink loses patience and speaks for everyone who’s ever watched this film:
"I’ve heard enough of this drivel
from all of you!"
He further pronounces his lab to be a
"sanctuary of science", which provokes Batwoman into telling him he’s
EE-vil. She threatens to unmask him, and he demonstrates his "greatest
discovery": the body divider! Rat Fink multiplies himself about ten times, and as bad
country-esque music starts up on the soundtrack, everyone chases everyone else around in
circles for a full two minutes. Finally, mercifully, Batwoman figures out how to reverse
the divider, and disposes of all the Rat Fink copies. Rat Fink grabs the hearing aid and
some handy Cobalt-40, threatening to blow everyone sky high; a dastardly scheme thwarted
when the newly reformed Tiger ("This boy – has fallen in love!") simply
takes the Cobalt away from him. Sheer genius!
Batwoman then makes good on an early threat,
and unmasks her enemy. It’s (dum, dum, dum) – J.B. Christians! –
which no doubt came as a huge shock to anyone who hadn’t noticed about forty minutes
earlier that J.B. and Rat Fink had identical speaking voices.
And then it’s "That’s
why I did it!" time, as J.B. explains that he suffers from - auyeurism? – what is
the term for it? – a compulsive need to listen into other people’s telephone
conversations.
So you see, The Wild World Of Batwoman
is a tragedy after all. Poor J.B.! If only he’d been born a few decades later, in the
era of the mobile phone! Then he’d’ve been able to listen in on the phone
conversations of every single person in his immediate vicinity, all the time –
whether he wanted to or not.
Now, you may have noticed that the past few
scenes have been noticeably Heathcliffe-free. (Hope you enjoyed them. I know I did
– relatively speaking.) Well, that’s all over now: Heathcliffe is about to come
into his own, by managing to spill the Cobalt-40 on the hearing aid. More classic
comedy, as all the characters toss the bomb from person to person, until they finally toss
it to Heathcliffe (YES!!) and flee. And Heathcliffe just stands there, mugging, until the
explosion….
….and the smoke clears, and Heathcliffe
sits up out on the beach; proving what so many of us have long feared: you cannot
kill the Odious Comic Relief©!
But something has happened to Heathcliffe.
He’s standing up straight. He’s got his voice back. He’s not mugging!!
Then he begins to remember – the experiment! And it transpires that Neon fed
him some of their "formula", intended to "bring out the personality traits
of an animal". And so he spent the past fourteen years as a chimp – a mugging
chimp. Heathcliffe speaks sternly to the repentant Neon, but Neon is more concerned with
his own injured back. So Heathcliffe leads him away, and – and – Neon is
walking hunched like a chimp!! COM-ED-EEEE!!!!
The next day at Batwoman’s, the girls
re-take their oath – as does new recruit, Tiger. And then, naturally, it’s time
for more go-go dancing, as Tiger resumes his lesson. Meanwhile, the newly cultured,
erudite and cravat-ed Heathcliffe (you just know he’s going start being pithy
about "wet clothes" and "dry martinis") is explaining to Batwoman how
his and Neon’s experiment went wrong. Neon himself is swatting flies with a rolled-up
newspaper, and wouldn’t you know it? – he whomps Heathcliffe over the head with
it! And Heathcliffe’s face twists – and he hunches – and – and---
NOOOOO!!!!!!
And Tiger go-go’s into the pool; and DHB
has hysterics for some reason; and the other girls continue to go-go; and Heathcliffe mugs
into the camera; and Batwoman stalks off in disgust; and the viewer realises that – there
is no God!
And in conclusion, I’d just like to
say----
You bastard, Pete! You bastard!
Footnote: You know, I
didn’t think it was humanly possibly; but only a week after reviewing Destination
Moon, I’ve had to deal with an Odious Comic Relief© more unbearable
than Dick Wesson.
Different kinds of Odiousness, though.
You don’t have to listen to Heathcliffe, that’s one positive thing. But
on the other hand, he’s just there, all the time…. I don’t know
which one’s worse.
Which got me to wondering, who’s your
nomination for Most Odious Comic Relief© Of All Time? Email me at lyzard@iprimus.com.au and let me know. Film, TV,
it doesn’t matter – I want to know who drives you crazy. And if I get
enough responses, I might just publish the Odious Top Ten.
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